Spoiler
i've had trouble processing my feelings around this because it's been easier to pretend that i don't have feelings about it, but it's just so weird. i've had a really good connection with this guy for years now, and before covid hit we had a great friends with benefits thing that was very transparent and communicative and we were still close and stuff, but not in a way that made either of us necessarily want more. since then it's just been off. i mean, there's the desire to not go out of my way to see people unnecessarily that plays into it, but since january it really does feel like things have been different and i can't really shake it. i texted him a month ago and he still hasn't read it or responded. a month! that's just unusual. and i know that he's had a bit of a rough semester so i don't want to pressure him to talk to me if he doesn't want to, it just sucks because i want to be there for him if he needs someone, without the pressure for us to hook up or anything like that. i really just want to see him and make sure he's doing ok, but now i'm self-conscious about reaching out because he's basically ghosting without warning. it sucks.
The fact that it happened again this morning has me worried and googling things when I probably shouldn't be.
I hate making phone calls because I always forget to do them. This week is also busy with my rheumatologist appointment and my mom's doctor appointment. My mom is usually the one who drives me to my appointments because I've been too sick to drive myself, so I'm hoping I can somehow find a way to squeeze in another appointment for this week. 
maybe if I feel so inclined I’ll write more. It’s been a while and I may rewrite some things but I know my writing has grown a LOT since then lol though I haven’t had as much time to write lately with my business but such is how it is lol
