Monogamy, Polyamory and the like

[missshadedlove]

I'm am sorry you went through that. *hugs* Like cupcake said if you need an ear..I'm open.

[AkumasFate]

I think I would be open to being with more than one person but only if we were all together, in that if I was in a relationship I wouldn't want the other person to be with someone else unless we were both with the third party, gender wouldn't really matter, but is that even a thing? Sorry for my ignorance but I'm curious are there people who when there are more than to are all together? And what's it like really? Is it hard?

[GrowlingCupcake]

I think I would be open to being with more than one person but only if we were all together, in that if I was in a relationship I wouldn't want the other person to be with someone else unless we were both with the third party, gender wouldn't really matter, but is that even a thing? Sorry for my ignorance but I'm curious are there people who when there are more than to are all together? And what's it like really? Is it hard?

Yes, that's a thing. Open relationships can be a partner with more than one partner or all partners in the same relationship. That would be my ideal relationship; myself, K and maybe one or two other people all in one big, happy relationship.

I have not been in that sort of relationship. Neither of us have found a good third person and, to be honest, we're not looking very hard right now. So my knowledge is second hand. But it seems to depend on your relationship a lot and factors like jealousy. I doubt it would be easy but I think if you, and everyone else, is willing to make it work and to learn how, it'll end up being good. It seems to require a lot of communication and honesty about feelings, etc.

I think TxCat would have the most information about this.

[TxCat]

I think I would be open to being with more than one person but only if we were all together, in that if I was in a relationship I wouldn't want the other person to be with someone else unless we were both with the third party, gender wouldn't really matter, but is that even a thing? Sorry for my ignorance but I'm curious are there people who when there are more than to are all together? And what's it like really? Is it hard?

I have such a relationship. If you're curious, you should read this post where I explained in detail.

A brief recap: my husband and I have been married sixteen years and have known one another for nearly twenty. At some point, we discussed it and set the boundaries for a polyamorous relationship. We never actively looked for anyone but waited to see what might come together. There were several attempts which he or I vetoed, precisely because the person was not willing to combine households. When we did find suitable partners, it was the natural outcome of close friendship.

Bear in mind also that polyamorous relationships do not always and seldom solely involve sex. My husband and I are both intimate with our wife. He and her older brother are friends but the older brother is as a second husband to me. This is the core of our little family group and we all live together. Pshawraven and I manage the houshold and the gardens; the husband and Dee take care of outside maintenance and craftwork ( such as building animal pens, ramps, and other necessities). We share responsability for livestock. Dee and hubby work full time jobs; Pshaw and I manage the budget and provisions. Dee's oldest children, now four, spend a lot of time here since their younger triplet siblings have severe medical problems being treated where their mother lives in Louisiana.

It's hard at time but the rewards are so great I'd never do anything else. We talk a lot to make sure everyone's needs are met and disagreements get ironed out before they become serious. Sometimes we fight (all families do) but after allowing space and time to calm down we work it out. No one does anything major or makes plans without letting the others know ahead of time. We have a family bulletin system with calendar, places for each person to get mail, and a whiteboard with each day's activities and meals written on it. There's a madter chore system and everyone knows what he or she is responsible for.

For me, it's like living with all my BFFs under one roof. That's the part I treasure: I am never alone u less I want to be and there is always something to do.

[ZeroIwasaki]

I'll speak from my personal point of view here. It may be a bit much, but I grew up with the LGBTQA* community around me as well as this sort of stuff. Mom has been into it for quite some time, but Dad has issues. He was jealous, and didn't like it when she visited my now-stepdad. It lead to a divorce for mostly other reasons, but this was one of them, he was too "controlling" over her. Anyways, back to topic. I'd say I'm polyamorous. I'm currently dating two guys, one is sorta seeing a chick, and the other is interested. The second as well as I both have jealousy problems, but I've been talking with them to work it out. Honestly, it's been going rather well, though it's a long distance relationship between everyone, except them and the girls. I'm the only one who's not exactly into anyone but the two guys. It's already complicated as is, and everyone's happy with what we have anyways. I think people really need to just open up, and realize that you do not have to stick with one person, and that person only. You can, but it's not forced. It's an interesting topic, I'll say that.

[dawnreader]

I'd like to start by saying that reading this discussion has been quite enlightening for me. It's shown me a lot about the viewpoint of polyamory, which I admit, I have not had a ton of exposure to the details of before. I myself am monogamous.

First of all, yes, I am one of those people who has religious views affecting my romantic leanings. I do not personally think this inhibits my romantic life, however, as I will explain in a moment. I also know that it does for some people. My friends who choose a monogamous lifestyle because their religion asks them to, but don't necessarily find that easy, tell me that they consider the inhibition to be a sacrifice for their religion. Many of them have said that they find this a rewarding part of their worship. I don't have any first-hand experience with these feelings, however, because I find monogamy very natural. That out of the way, I will move on to what makes monogamy work for me.

In a monogamous relationship, I have the comfort and security of knowing my partner is fully devoted to me alone. This comforts me not because I am a jealous person but because I find that what makes me feel loved is spending time with another person. It is hard for me to spend enough time to feel like the relationship is healthy and strong with more than one person. Similarly, if my partner's time were divided between me and another person or persons, I would feel insecure about my ability to get the time I need to feel fulfilled in the relationship. (As an important note, I do have several good friendships that I maintain well as does my husband, but here I am specifically referring to the time I need for a romantic relationship) I have found someone who feels much the same way, so we are happy together. This clearly would not work with someone who feels differently, and I hardly expect someone who does not share my feelings and needs to follow the same pattern.

Some of you have brought up the different ways animals maintain their relationships. There is much variety in that field; humans should be allowed that same variety. For some, like me that manifests itself in a deep monogamous relationship. For others, it is a deep polyamorous one. For others still it is a casual relationship of one form or another. I see the support and community feel of the polyamorous relationships you have described to be a beautiful thing. Personally, I believe with my nature I would find myself feeling pushed off to the side in such a relationship, whether that was the intent of my partners or not, so I keep myself in a monogamous relationship.

I am also an introvert and as such find large groups of people to be wearing on my emotional energy. This does not mean I don't enjoy being in large groups of people: I do, just usually in small chunks and not all the time. (I could say a lot more about introversion and its variants, but that is a discussion for another post) This makes polyamory less appealing to me. I look to my relationship and my partner for emotional support and recharging. I feel that it would be difficult to get that with a romantic relationship that involved a group as it would be something of a contradiction-the group draining and the relationship recharging in one setting. That said, I can see how a smaller polyamorous relationship of three or four people might not have that contradiction, depending on the people. It's hard to say. For me personally, it's not worth the experimentation to find out.

I think that covers the big things that make me choose monogamy. Now I'm curious, for those of you who are in polyamorous relationships: are you introverted, extroverted, or somewhere in the middle? What about your partners?

[GrowlingCupcake]

I am very much an introvert. My partner is more of an introvert than I am. But, like you said, with introverts we still have a small group of people we are comfortable with and so it doesn't really affect our wanting a polyamorous relationship. However, it does affect us meeting people to see about poly relationships. He tries to encourage me to be more social as I mostly spend time at home and with him and that isn't emotionally/mentally healthy for me but we both let it slide a lot when it comes to going out and meeting people for our relationship.

Regarding spending time, I would certainly have an issue if my partner were to spend more time with someone else than with me. But he is aware of this and is happy to place me first. Whoever we end up with will have to be with us, not just with him, so that makes it easier. At the very least, they'd have to be friends with both of us.

Polyamory is difficult for me and at times I think it would be so much easier to just say I want a monogamous relationship... but it goes against my nature, so to speak, so I am learning to deal with it. There are things I very much want that I cannot get in a monogamous relationship and my partner doesn't want me missing out on them.

Also... does anyone engage in a more casual poly/open relationship? Both of us are looking for longterm but K also wants me to just date people (I've had like two relationships so I know little about them) and to have short term relationships so I can understand how they work, what I want, etc. But I don't know how to go about a short term, casual relationship.

[fursonah]

Not exactly a very heavy reply but I'm polyamorous and so is my current datefriend. And their boyfriend.

Also not sure if it's been discussed separately but there's many different ways to be poly, some folks want to limit their relationships to three people max. Some folks will have huge webs of relationships. (Which to me is like. How can you remember all these PEOPLE...)
Some people like to have a sort of hierarchy, like a more important + serious relationship and then smaller ones. Some people want them all to be equal and intense.
Some folks will only go on dates (/ other generally couple activities) with all of their partners, some will go one and at a time. It really varies! But I hope I'm not repeating what's already been said.

[LunatheDragoness]

I think having anyone else in a relationship is disgusting and wrong. Im sorry but that is my opinion. Having more than one mate to me is cheating. A person should be with only one person at a time. Dont like the current one your with? Go find someone else. Its just gross to me.

Updating this..

Since I have grown and matured (21 now) Im open to having a poly relationship. I actually had one with two guys. They were best friends so there was no problems. It was nice having two shoulders to cry on and vent to and have two times the love. As long as everyone knows about everyone and everyone gets along I dont see the big deal about having more than one lover.