The New Apprentice (so far, just the Prologue)

[crazyflight]

I'm going to write a story. This was inspired by Raneth's The Weak Student ( ). I've never written a story before, so I'm only trying my best. Critique loved!!!

Prologue

Kiokure's legs shook as he boarded the small sailboat that would take him to the Keep. He brooded over how different it would be from the Callisto Islands. He knew he'd be meeting some pretty neat people from other places, and his mind was ringing as nervous and excited vibes radiated from him. The only person that would be coming with him is Puchi, his neighbor. He acknowledged it with pleasure when he found out that Puchi would be his roommate. As he waved a final good-bye to his parents, he went into the bed in the cabin for meant for him and pondered his place. His father had always said that Kiokure had it in him to become a magi, so he sent an application to go to the Keep and train. His father said that he could feel the magic flowing through him, and then the boat came. He hadn't known what to expect, and he still doesn't. Hopefully people like me, he thought, and he thought about how great and how hard training might be for most of the boat ride.

Kiokure blinked away drowsiness as the boat bumped ashore, and he shook Puchi awake. He couldn't see very well, because it was late at night and his vision was blurry from sleep, and he decided to check out the Keep after he could see more easily, and he knew it would be awesome. His body tingled with the thought of grabbing a real creature egg from the Stream that his father had always told him about. He was confident that he would be the best magi, even better than his father someday!
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Please comment on what I should do to build the story a bit better! I know I'm not so great, but I want to test out a little plot I made up. I'll be posting new updates in posts, and I need comments first!

[PaleoMage]

First of all, the thing that made me go "wait, what the heck?": a plane? Since when do magi have planes? I always thought the site was more-or-less medieval. I mean, the magi certainly all dress like it... I think a sail or maybe even steam boat would be more likely. Anyway, all this is definitely not to say that the story doesn't look promising; I'm gonna need to remember to check back on this. Now, on to the next bit of critique.

He was thrilled when he knew that Puchi was his roommate.

Perhaps 'found out', 'discovered' or 'learned' would be better?

[crazyflight]

Thanks, I was actually thinking about that, but I never thought about the boat. I did that at night, my mind felt like :tard: . Thank you, I do think both are better.

[Raneth]

Free critique for giving my story props

Kiokure's legs shook as he boarded the small sailboat that lead to the Keep. Don't say lead-boats don't lead. Consider "would take him to." He thought words like "thought" and "felt" are signs of passive voice and should be avoided. about how different it would be from the Callisto Islands. He knew he'd be meeting some pretty neat people from other places, and he was ditto on words like "was." Show us what he's feeling, don't tell us. nervous and excited at the same time. The only person that would be coming with him iswas? What tense is this supposed to be in? Puchi, his neighbor. He was passive again thrilled when he found out that Puchi would be his roommate. As he waved a final good-bye to his parents, he closed his eyes in the comfortable seat and attempted to sleep. "closed his eyes in the comfortable seat" is kind of an awkward phrase.

Kiokure blinked away sleep as he arrived at the Keeptoo tell-y. Did the boat bump against the shore? How did he know he had arrived? Did someone announce it?. He couldn't see very well why?, and he decided to check it out after he had some real sleep, and when it was lighter. Run on and tell-yMaybe it elaborate on what "it" is would be easier once he got his first creature, and when he got some magicAn odd way to put it. He doesn't have magic to begin with?. His body tingled at the thought. He would be the best magi, even better than his father someday!

Those are just a few comments on what you do have, but you need more detail in this piece. Why is he going to the Keep? Was he chosen, or is going to the Keep in your world like a career choice? You need to show us much more about this guy and how he's feeling as he leaves home and goes to the Keep. You say he's nervous and excited, but if he's so excited why does he sleep the whole way there and then put off exploring? I get no sense of who this character is other than that he's from the Callisto Islands, his father is a magi, and a has a friend named Puchi. As it stands, this prologue doesn't really give your readers any useful information that wouldn't be inferred from the first chapter, which I would presume takes place when he's already at the Keep.

Keep at it, though. It sounds like you have your plot planned out, which is great.