Trigger Warning: Sexual harassment/assault

[MissMurderPaws]

Wow, a little strongly put (And I mean that only because it /could/ be considered baiting, but I don't think it is) But perfectly stated. If you could beat the sense of this post into people who think it's okay to rape/think dressing is asking for it, we'd probably loved the issue with rape culture a long time ago. I have an example of my own as well.

Up until very recently, I spurned any sexual advance made at me. I didn't like it. It made me very VERY uncomfortable to even think about it. I've only ever counted three guys, excluding the current, as 'relationships'. None of them, and I really mean none, seemed to understand boundaries. The first forced himself on me, after repeated turn downs, and tried to bait me into having sex with him. The second would just talk about doing very dirty things to me, and I would tell him it made me feel bad. Did he stop? No. He laughed, and told me to knock of the kiddie stuff. The last would goad me into phone sex, and when I didn't, he would whine, complain, and tell me I was being very unfair. He wanted things out of me I didn't want to give, and when I didn't, he forced them out of me. I won't lie, I was broken for a while, and he told me it was my fault that he did that. He blamed everybody but himself for what he'd done.

Now, with my current, he can get a little enthusiastic, I won't lie. The first time he 'pushed' himself on my sexually (I use this term lightly, because he really did think I wanted it) I fought back very hard. I almost hurt him trying to get away, and he was a little shocked. He'd asked why I acted like that, and when I explained, he apologized. I was so unused to being treated like a decent human being. It shocked me that somebody would ask permission to touch my body, instead of taking it upon himself to do it, or that somebody would actually stop when it hurt, or I was uncomfortable. That's when you know life is really sad.

[mulan]

death penalty to murderer who rape & kill 13 years old girl, thats a great news in my country.........

[IllusionQueen]

What are your thoughts on rape itself?
What thoughts do you expect me to have? It's horrible, duh.

Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively?
...I, guess...? How'm I supposed to know? I never dress like that...
But I guess it's more of a "wanting sex" thing than a rape thing...

What is consent to you?
Mutual agreement when both are completely conscious.

Do you believe men can be raped too?
Ever heard of men rape?

Do you think there's a way to stop rape?
No, because there will always be humans wanting to rape. All you can really do is to be careful and take precautions; Don't leave your drink unattended in a party where someone could easily drug it, etc.

Any other thoughts?
Nope.

[Intempestivity]

What are your thoughts on rape itself

It's a horrible act and it's all about power, not about a sex act. It's about one person trying to control another by taking away control over the one thing they can call their own--their body. And it doesn't happen only in third-world countries. Every woman is a victim of sexual harassment at some point in their lives, one in three are sexually assaulted and one in six are victims of rape or attempted rape. One in three and one in six. You know someone who has been sexually assaulted or raped, even if you don't know what happened to them.

And that's just the stats on women.

Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively

No, never. You can't say that a person is or isn't asking for something by how they look. I have neon hair, but I'm not asking for attention; in fact, I hate attention. I just like expressing myself, and this is how I feel most like myself. If a person feels most comfortable in scantily clad clothes or even completely naked, that is just who they are--it is not asking for people to take advantage of them!

And I personally feel that anyone who says someone was asking for it, whether it be by their clothing or the way they were acting, is a rape apologist, because by agreeing with the statement you're excusing the action of unwanted sexual assault, and there is no excuse.

What is consent to you

Two adults who are of sound mind coming to a mutal agreement. If one person is impaired in any way, it's not consent. If one person is not an adult, it is not consent. And if anyone, at any point, says no or stop and it's not part of something previously agreed upon (e.g. a sex game), it is not consent.

Do you believe men can be raped too

Of course.

Do you think there's a way to stop rape?

While I don't think we can ever completely stop rape in the same way we can't ever completely stop other violent acts from occurring in our world, we can help lower the statistics by openly discussing rape culture and the impact it has on society. The very fact that one of your questions had to do with the victim's clothing proves that we still have a long way to go in this regard. Rape culture teaches people that it's ok to joke about rape, it's ok to say the victim was asking for it and it's ok to force the victim to prove what happened to them--and even then, they don't get the benefit of the doubt, their attacker does.

All of these things are so incredibly wrong. We need to remove the stigma around being a victim, we need to teach children that it's not ok to joke about rape or other forms of violence and that we should give people the benefit of the doubt if they decide to share their story.

Any other thoughts?

I know this thread is a year old now, but I think it's good that it's been resurrected, especially considering what's currently going on with Sam Peppers. For those of you who don't know, Sam Peppers has a history of putting videos on youtube of him physically harassing women, such as forcing them to kiss him when they are clearly uncomfortable, physically lassoing women on the street and, the most recent one that garnered the most negative attention, asking a woman for directions and when they turned away from him to point, pinching their bottoms.

A result of all of this controversy is several women have come forward to allege that Sam Peppers sexually assaulted them when they were underage, and one woman has posted an video where she anonymously details her encounter with Sam Peppers that resulted in anal rape (it's quite graphic, so if you try to find it, bear in mind the thing has massive trigger warning written all over it).

The disgusting thing is that the majority of people who hear these allegations are calling the women liars and demanding they prove it. They have felt the need to post texts and IMs from Sam who told them things such as "it's our little secret" while referencing their ages and in which he asks for inappropriate photographs and videos from the girls. In the case of the rape video, the poor woman has had to post copies of the records for when she had to receive emergency treatment following her assault.

And every single one of these girls, every last one, said that they tried to tell him no, but they were uncomfortable saying it, so they said it softly, and they giggled--and he took that for consent.

No is no, no matter how softly it's said and whether or not it's accompanied by a giggle.

And this is why rape culture is so dangerous. People think that clothes or impaired behaviour or anything less than a "NO, DON'T DO IT, DON'T RAPE ME!" is consent, and that's wrong. Anything less than a resounding "Yes, I'd like to have sex with you!" should be considered non-consent, not the other way around.

*edit*

This video is about sexual harassment (and in some cases, assault), not rape, but it goes to show just what an impact rape culture has on our society. Women and girls are afraid to speak up when men make them uncomfortable, and when they mention what happened to their friends, they're told "Stop making such a big deal. You must have just looked really sexy."

We need to make a big deal. We need to speak up. We need to make people realise that just because someone looks a certain way does not mean they're inviting unwanted sexual advances or contact. People who see it happening need to make a fuss and ask someone why they're groping people in public, because right now it's normal, and behaviour like that should never be normal.

Trigger Warning: This video details street harassment and sexual assault in public places

[mulan]

a murderer rape & kill 6 years old girl in my country........thats terrible

[AnArtfulDodger]

This will be a very long post, and I'm sorry about that. It's a heavy topic, and I wanted to word everything carefully.

What are your thoughts on rape itself
It is an act of physical and psychological violence that I wish was not present in the world.

Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively
When I was in junior high, I used to look down on people who dressed provocatively because I thought that it was asking for shallow attention. Even back then, though, I never connected someone's clothes with the crimes of others. A few years ago, I was in an unhealthy, controlling relationship that did not end smoothly at all. I remember how he treated me after we broke up, and one instance stood out to me. We were listening to a recording of 'Of Mice and Men' in class, and a female character was just describing how she had been manipulated by a man because she was trying to become an actress (a career that I am pursuing). She said, 'I could have been something,' and my ex-boyfriend looked directly at me and said, 'yeah, a really good

Spoiler

whore

'. The two of us had never even been intimate. He had no reason, in terms of the literal definition of the word, to imply that about me. But he did anyway.

Everything I had thought about appearance and so-called respectability changed, because I knew then that it really didn't matter what someone looks like. When someone wants to take control of another person, they will find any excuse to do so, and it is society's acceptance of these excuses that paves the way for more crime, not the excuses themselves.

In short, I was unenlightened when I was younger, but not anymore. People should be allowed to wear whatever they want without fear of any repercussions, and even if they were hoping to draw some attention to themselves, they still have the right to not have sex with anyone they haven't consented to.

What is consent to you
Consent is making a choice freely, and being aware of what that choice means. If one party feels like there is only one answer he or she can safely give, then it is not consent, even if he or she said the word 'yes'. Where there is fear, or an uneven power dynamic, or an individual who is unable to either understand what they are doing or the consequences of it, there is no consent. Consent can also, in my opinion, be taken back at any time. I'll put it this way: if a diver got changed, showered, went out to the pool, climbed the ladder to the board, but then got frightened by how high up he was, and decided he didn't want to make the dive anymore, nobody would say that his coach has the right to throw him into the water because he was 'leading him on'. If somebody is uncomfortable, they have every right to stop, and their partner has a responsibility to listen to that.

Do you believe men can be raped too
I know men can be raped. If consent is not given, the act is rape, no matter who the victim is.

Do you think there's a way to stop rape?
I think that people have the capacity to be incredibly cruel to each other, despite all laws and punishments that we may put in their place. That said, I think that there are ways to deal with the problem.

Stopping victim-blaming and slut-shaming in general would be a huge step, because it would mean that society recognises who the criminal in the situation is. I don't care how someone is dressed or acting, nobody deserves physical harm and years of psychological trauma, and I wish that society as a whole felt the same way.

Truly understanding what makes a rapist commit his or her acts would likewise be a big step. I actually think this way in regards to a lot of types of crime. We must punish the criminal, but we must also learn from the criminal's actions and thoughts. If a person feels entitled to the bodies of others, simply putting them in prison for a while is doing nothing for the underlying problem with the person and the underlying problem with society.

Any other thoughts?
I've already written a fairly impressive wall of text that I am fairly certain nobody will read all the way through. My rant is over for now.

[MissMurderPaws]

I actually did read all of that, and I enjoyed what you had to say. I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that, but it's always amazing to me how people can take from bad situations. I don't think I can write enough of a reply to do your post any justice, but I like the way you look at such a. . . sensitive topic.

[mulan]

My country want to change the law.

Rape = death penalty

[AnArtfulDodger]

I actually did read all of that, and I enjoyed what you had to say. I'm sorry that you had to go through something like that, but it's always amazing to me how people can take from bad situations. I don't think I can write enough of a reply to do your post any justice, but I like the way you look at such a. . . sensitive topic.

You flatter me; thank you.

I think that the more experiences someone has, the more perspectives they find. There are so many widespread misconceptions around romantic and sexual relationships in general, that it leads to a misunderstanding of what it truly means when such relationships (or even spontaneous interactions) go terribly wrong. Ignorance is the most dangerous state for anyone to be in, much less society as a whole on such an important subject as rape.

The best way to combat misunderstanding is by talking, and sharing differing experiences, even if those experiences were difficult to live through. Or, at least, that's how I see it, and I for one would be interested to hear what you have to say. I agree very strongly with someone a few pages back that this is a taboo topic when it should not be. The more people talk about rape, the more society will change its--often disturbing--reaction to it.

If I may, I would like to toss a question into the open, to anyone that would like to answer it. What do you think of rape jokes? When are they okay (if ever), and when are they not? Do they trivialise a subject that should not be treated lightly, or do they open up much-needed conversation?

[MothballMilkshake]

People here might be pleased to know about California's 'yes means yes' law, in regards to consent.

And I know many people who will say 'oh yeah, like I'm gunna step back and formally ask somebody if they want to have sex with me' - but it really isn't that difficult?

Like, my current partner and I hooked up at a party the first time we met, and after a bit of kissing, he was going to head lower, but before he did, he looked up and said 'are you ok with this?'
That's all. No awkwardness, no 'killing the mood', just a simple question to make sure I was up for it.

A lot of rape isn't just the 'in a dark alley by a stranger' kind or 'drugs in the drinks' kind - though I know victims of both. It's the friend who invites you over for movies, who actually has other intentions and doesn't realise your unenthusiastic kissing is a 'polite' way of saying no. Girls are raised NOT to be impolite, so when a friend/family member does something we don't like, we try to let them down in the most gentle way possible.

This is where the majority of non-consensual sex occurs - in coercion, guilt-tripping, or ignoring unresponsive actions. This is why I think it's so important to actually teach young people - boys and girls - what consent actually *is*. Teach girls they don't have to do something to make their partner happy, interested, or prevent 'blue balls'. Teach boys that guilting a partner into sex doesn't equate to consent.

Better yet, we need to create a society in which boys don't *need* to coerce girls into sex. It may come as a surprise to some of our politicians and older folk out there, but girls are just as horny as boys are. It's natural. The only reason girls 'hold out' is because of the shame and stigma associated with girls having sex.

Sorry I didn't answer any of the questions directly, I hope this is ok though