Therapy corner?

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GilraenNenharma
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by GilraenNenharma »

Things have been tough, but I've been trying to keep my spirits up by streaming on twitch almost every day. I hope that I can make enough people entertained that they want to keep me around for a while. I know I need a new computer first and foremost, so maybe might get lucky with donations? I try to keep positive about it and my chin up, it's tough but it a good struggle right?
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by ToxicFlame »

I think that's a prime example of how healthy stress can be good for anxiety and depression over negative stress. I know I always feel better after having accomplished something that day (even if it is just like... showering or making dinner), even though it's really hard to make myself get up and do anything half the time.

Do you link to your Twitch here on Magistream? I'd go donate to you if I wasn't broke, but I can still support ya! Us Magistreamers gotta stick together! xP
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GilraenNenharma
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by GilraenNenharma »

ToxicFlame wrote:I think that's a prime example of how healthy stress can be good for anxiety and depression over negative stress. I know I always feel better after having accomplished something that day (even if it is just like... showering or making dinner), even though it's really hard to make myself get up and do anything half the time.

Do you link to your Twitch here on Magistream? I'd go donate to you if I wasn't broke, but I can still support ya! Us Magistreamers gotta stick together! xP
Ah oxo you want to support me? I could send you my twitch handle through a PM if you like? I do appreciate the kind thoughtfulness, I hope I can make people happy with my streams. I did one today and will do one Saturday as well. Though I do hope I'm not getting sick, that would make streaming harder since I wouldn't be able to talk well or squeak when scared XD people like it when I get scared. My friend streams to and we're in the same room so she has ample chances to scare me -x- but it's in good fun. Send a PM and I'll give you the link, I have a discord channel for my Twitch as well but not sure how to really set that up XD.
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GilraenNenharma
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by GilraenNenharma »

How is everyone doing? Did New Years go over well for all of you? Me it has been a struggle lately to keep from panicking to much about things. One I think I need a new computer, both my friend and I do and to pay off lots of things so we can just relax and have a decent time doing what we want to. I need a better job though and that's been a struggle to. Everyone else doing alright with their jobs and such?
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by Sassenach »

The fluffy unicorn slippers and I survived the holiday anxieties! Seasonal depression isn't quite waddling off yet but I'm hoping it hurries on its way now that the two weeks of gulf coast winter are coming to a close. My grandparents are still around (they usually drive out here and stay for a few months through the holidays) and my ability to be around them, and consequently other people, is quickly waning... but I made it through accidentally dumping myself out of the closet at Christmas dinner relatively unscathed AND I landed a second job! SO that means I'll be out of the house a little more than I currently am, which should help with things. I'm a little worried for the next few months, as my parents will be working more, and I'll be staying at my mom's house to help with getting my teenage brother through the rest of his sophomore year. First time being an adult adult, woot woot?

I hope everyone else is doing well in the first weeks of the new year! I'm definitely trying to channel some positive energies for everyone! <3
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by ToxicFlame »

I'm glad you guys made it through the holidays and everything okay! My holidays weren't so much negative as they were just very busy. Still no work... but with the waning effects of depression as my therapy and medication continues to work, I feel like I'm starting to try and take care of myself... Ya know? Try to move around more, do yoga... I've been drawing more... That sorta thing.
I really wanna get my portfolio together and see if I can snag a tattooing apprenticeship while my husband and I are staying with his grandparents. It'd be good to get that done while we have this good opportunity of not having to worry about finances too badly. And he may be able to pick up a job at Wal-Mart through a family friend or something...

My prescriber is trying me on Ritalin now xD. Who would've thought I'd ever be ADD? But apparently adult ADD undiagnosed can turn into depression and Anxiety! SO there's that bit of information for any of y'all in serious situations. There's this cool website she pointed me to with lots of information on ADD and how many symptoms it can have. (I was valedictorian in high school, so it flew right over mine and everybody else's heads). Today's my first day on it so let's see how it goes...
I almost had a panic attack when we went to pick up the medication though. I'm already on a few other things from her, and since I have no insurance, my prescriber SPECIFICALLY picks things that are supposed to be cheaper. She chose Ritalin (off brand, of course) because it was supposed to be the cheapest on the market. I get to Wal-Mart and it was TWICE what she said it was! So all my medicine together is almost 100 dollars now and we can't afford that while neither of us are working. -.-'
Luckily we have help from his family but still... One of my prescriptions is some Ativan "has needed" for panic attacks and such. I only get like 15 for a few months... But I had to pick them up and take one, JUST FROM PICKING THEM UP (and the others, but yeah).
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GilraenNenharma
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by GilraenNenharma »

I'm wondering about trying to make a game maybe...something with the RPG Maker MV on steam, but I dunno...I want to make something people would have fun playing and really enjoy. Though I am worried about people hating it or thinking it's bs and all that stuff. I want to be able to make people laugh, cry, maybe rage, have fun on an adventure...although I have no characters, plot, villain or anything like that in place at all...what do you guys think?
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by ToxicFlame »

You should totally do it! If nothing else, just give it a shot. Even if you don't complete it, you may have fun doing it or learn something along the way...
I've been trying to get my husband to make a game with me lol. He programs, and I'm an artist and writer so....
I'd love to help you make a game! :3

So.... I need to vent for just a second. It's a very serious subject and no one has to give advice on it unless they want to. I just need a place to spout how I feel.
My "grandmother" (my husband is her husband's grandson, but she isn't his grandmother; she's his aunt... it's weird) is dying. Like... it's a few days, at BEST, away now. It's been a long, painful, physically & emotionally stressful process and it's taken a lot out of me. I'm really scared how close it has, at times, pushed me back to that place I was at a year ago where I wanted to shoot myself... She is almost incoherent and screams in pain and shakes when she's awake (she has Parkinson's), and otherwise she sleeps as long as we keep enough morphine & ativan in her. We basically just have to sit and watch her suffer. And there's very little we can do. Sometimes she hears us, but she can't really talk back.
Me, my husband, and my cousin (who is her daughter and twice my age - she's becoming like a real mother to me) have been taking care of her as best we can. But we 3 are taking shifts sleeping and staying up with her so someone is with her at all times... which has been tiring in of itself. But when I'm in there with her, I kinda just sit in the corner on my tablet or phone or laptop and just... make sure she's not in pain and still breathing. I do very little of going over and rubbing her arm and talking to her... It's not that I don't love her and that I'm not sad to see her go! But I just... don't have any emotional stamina or empathy left to give? Like I feel if I care any more then it's going to just drag me to my feet and I'm going to have a full blown panic attack (of which I've had plenty the last few days). Like... I just can't afford to have the best bed side manner... And it makes me feel like a jerk! Because my heart knows what I can and can't afford to feel, but my brain keeps telling me I'm SUPPOSED to feel terrible about this.... But I'm just kind of... fed up with it. I want her to pass and stop suffering. I want her to pass so WE can stop suffering. Her staying here isn't benefiting anyone... especially her. And I'll be relieved when she goes - not sad.
So why the heck do I feel like the biggest jerk in the world for feeling that way......?

And while me and my husband have been doing great supporting one another and we're emotionally there for each other as much as we can be, we haven't been able to be together very much - like just being side by side, and it's taking a toll on us. He struggles with mental health too and both our tanks are low, so to speak... Neither of us have much to give to support the other. And I feel guilty I can't do more to help him, and even more guilty for finding emotional support elsewhere with friends and such... And also guilty if and when I can't do things so I'm scared I make all his woes more difficult.

Some of my MS friends have already heard about all this going on, and I really appreciate you guys listening. ALL of you guys. Thank you for being there~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

::EDIT:: 2/7/2020

So... I'm gonna use this as a safe space to just get my problems out, as I truly feel no one here would be upset with me for that. And this is just a good place to keep it for the time being, as I don't want it on my profile.

Aunt Barbara passed away yesterday, and today so has Papaw Ted (my husband's grandfather). He made the decision to go off of oxygen (since they couldn't regulate his breathing). He went peacefully in his sleep without pain and my husband, and some others, was with him.
We have some time, but shortly this house will go to the individual it was left to... (which isn't a nice one; I'll leave it at that) and we will have no where else to live. Thankfully, we have lots of people who love us, so we won't be thrown out onto the streets.

Due to the situation, I am no longer able to take care of my bunnies so I am having to re-home them as well. Someone is supposed to be coming to get them today...
And, out of my two cats, one was being allowed to stay inside with us (the grandparents hated cats) and the other had to be an outdoor boi. Last night, my little darling Mochi was found on the side of the road. My husband wouldn't allow me to look (he could for only a moment) but he said based off of the damage, which was pretty bad, it would've been a direct impact to the face... So he shouldn't have suffered any, and for that I am glad.

And I just had to give my bunnies away because I can't take care of them. (All I have left is my first born, Velcro. <3 )

I feel like everything is just being ripped from me, and I haven't shed a single tear. I'm just... weak and dead feeling. Kinda like really heavy jelly...lol. Not everything has hit me at once and I'm just.... oof.

Lots of organizing and just... dealing with stuff is left. I don't know where I'm going to end up, but I'm looking for work at the moment. I haven't been able to see my therapist, but... just... to everyone here that has been there for me, supported me, and just given me the time and place to both vent, be here when I had to get away, and to not be here when I had elsewhere to be.

If you were curious where I've been.... well, this is here to answer questions too.

Thanks again, folks.
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GilraenNenharma
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by GilraenNenharma »

Oh Toxic you poor, poor dear -hugs tight- all I want to do is just give you the biggest hug ever in the world right now. That's so much shit to go through and that is just awful. I'm glad to have made this space to help out and give people a place to vent. Hon I wish I could just sit down with you and have tea or coffee, you're not a jerk at all for the things and way you are feeling. Life is not easy and there isn't a manual for how things are supposed to or not supposed to be.

Me I've been MIA for a while because of working 7 days in a row, and just feeling like I'm not worth anything to anyone. I've been in a dark place for a while but instead of a game at the moment I am making my own world. Maybe it might help you out as well Toxic? Let me know if you want to know more okay?

I do apologize for being so MIA though guys.
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Re: Therapy corner?

Post by ToxicFlame »

Oh I've been making my own worlds for years now - between other stories, roleplays, and fanfiction. Honestly, I'd like to just throw myself into my drawings but with all this going on, I haven't felt like I could. And we've moved everything out of here that we didn't need for the week, so my drawing things are elsewhere anyway...

Thank you so much for your support and love, Gil. I really appreciate it. :hugs:
Sitting down with a nice cup of peppermint tea would be the bomb right about now~ xD

HiddenMystic has been helping me collect some memorial creatures for Barbara, Ted, and my animals. So I'll be making a little memorial section on my profile. :) It may just be little 0's and 1's and pixels on a computer screen... but whatever helps ya cope and brings a smile to your face, am I right?
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