Untitled Story

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LissyJC
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Untitled Story

Post by LissyJC »

A Puppy's Love
Prologue
It was a dark gloomy evening. The rain hammered on my windows like bullets, the night so thick it was nearly impossible to see the road. Water sloshed into the ditch, and suddenly I heard something that made my heart chill. I slammed on the brakes. Was it just the wind? Or was it the mewling of a puppy? I looked around, until something caught my eye. There, in the ditch, was something soggy and indistinct. Curiosity burned in my heart, so I got my umbrella and raincoat, and headed off into the storm.
As I neared, I saw it was just a box flipped upside-down, waterlogged and smelly. I was about to turn away before something caught my eye. A puppy! It stuck its muzzle out from under the box, and mewled piteously. It looked chilled to the bone, so skinny I could count it's ribs, so wet it could've been underwater. Immediately I ran back over, and flipped the box. Underneath were not one but five golden lab puppies. It couldn't be more clear that they needed a home, warmth, some TLC, and food. Their eyes silently pleaded with me, but I was already in love. I dashed to place them in the car so they could warm up, and then drove back home so fast, like a cheetah chasing a gazelle.

Chapter 1
As soon as I got back to the shelter, I took the pups and put them on an electric heating pad, and after they had gotten a little warmer, I dried them off with a towel, one by one. My dog Benji helped me, as best as she could anyway, by licking the pups.
Benji has always been so protective with babies. She rescued a kitten from when it wandered far from mum and got stuck in a fence, and carried it in her jaws back to the mum. She's always wary of the strangers who come to adopt from my shelter, especially when they try to adopt a baby animal. Anyways, once the puppies were clean and dry, I used some puppy milk formula and made a large batch of milk, knowing that they'd be starving.
The largest puppy looked up weakly, but the other pups seemed to know to wait until the largest finished. He was a boy, and seemed to be in the lead demanding to be fed and washed and cared for first. I right then decided to name him Jasper, it suited him like dart suited the night.

TO BE CONTINUED

I posted this on a different site, and I received messages like "TOTALLY cliche!! Like, this is NOT original!!" or "I like the detail, but really, this type of story has been told millions of times." IF YOU THINK THIS STORY IS BAD, TELL ME, AND I WILL ASK FOR IT TO BE TAKEN DOWN!!! I wrote it as a 6 year old, this is a refined version.
Last edited by LissyJC on February 27th, 2014, 10:20:53 am, edited 3 times in total.
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NellaFantasia
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by NellaFantasia »

As this is an original piece, I've moved it to the appropriate forum in The Parlor.

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[url=http://magistream.com/creature/9027655][img]http://magistream.com/img/9027655.gif[/img][/url][url=http://magistream.com/creature/9027879][img]http://magistream.com/img/9027879.gif[/img][/url][url=http://magistream.com/creature/9027892][img]http://magistream.com/img/9027892.gif[/img][/url]
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LissyJC
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by LissyJC »

You calling this original? Thank you so much, that is the best compliment I have ever received for this story!! People call it cliche... :t-hugme:
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Arcaii
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by Arcaii »

There's nothing wrong with repeated tropes such as these, so long as they're done well. I think you've done pretty well for yourself here!

If I'll give you a piece of critique, here it is: find where to start a new paragraph. Writing can be really bogged down by no space in between subjects.Here's this if you need it!
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Amki
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by Amki »

I would love to read some more, I wonder in what direction this story is to go. XD
~ Sour Skittles

----

"From Water he gained clarity and patience [...] From Fire he gained passion, a renewed appreciation for life, and the desire to overcome any obstacle. From Earth he gained resolve, a steel will, and unshakable determination. From Wind he learned courage and persistence: how to dig deep within and press on in the face of adversity."
- Micky Neilson, Unbroken
LissyJC
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by LissyJC »

Arcaii wrote: If I'll give you a piece of critique, here it is: find where to start a new paragraph. Writing can be really bogged down by no space in between subjects.[/url]
:) My friends say that my writing is sloppy and there are no paragraphs. They say that I have so many ideas that I can't pause, just write, write, write, fix later. I swear, sometimes I have so many things I want to put down that I forget about grammar and punctuation!! :yey:
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LissyJC
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Re: Untitled Story

Post by LissyJC »

Amki wrote:I would love to read some more, I wonder in what direction this story is to go. XD
And thank you!! You'll see where it will go.... :t-woo:
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