Failed attempt at creepy story-

This section is for writing that is completely your own, including the world it is set in

Moderator: Tea House Moderators

Post Reply
User avatar
Sorren1224
MagiStream Donor
Member of The Herbalist's Guild Member of Artificer's Association Member of Preservationists Association
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 6880
Joined: April 1st, 2011, 6:44:03 pm
Gender: Non-binary

Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Sorren1224 »

Okay, this is my first attempt at a creepy story. Be as rude as you like. I won't mind. It sucks, I just want critique.
WARNING! Contains blood. Obviously.
Spoiler
He's coming. He walks with a limp, his face pale and evil, his figure slightly transparent. His feet click with every step. His hair is greasy and black, his eyes bright, fiery red. His fingers are tipped with long, purplish-black claw-like fingernails, and out of his mouth come two jagged, razor sharp incisors. He dresses in ragged, torn formal attire. He enters the town, looking right and left, for a poor, unfortunate soul that hasn't made it to safety in time, or has forgotten to barricade the door. He rips down a door, where a terrified old man stands, helpless, defenseless. He grabs the terrified elder and rips his head from his shoulders, spattering blood across the walls. While he brutally destroys this man, two tiny children peek around the corner. He wouldn't have noticed them, if i weren't for the tiny squeak of horror released from the small girls mouth. He looks up, and sees them. They scream and run, but he closes in on them in a few massive steps, dropping the old man, who lands with a splat as his blood seeps across the floor. In a flash of red, the children's heads roll onto the floor. He tears the house apart, looking for another life form. He leaves the house, demolished and painted red. He continues to the next poor soul who wasn't careful enough. He is human, but he is not. He is solid, but he is not. He is alive, but he is not. He is Death. He is Evil. He is the End.

But why does he do this? Why does he kill, why does he come back to this town? Everyone who has heard this story wouldn't be able to tell you. But I do know this. Every year, he comes back to this town, and has for the past 50 years. Before that, he reaped the previous town. So, does he go to every town in a row, killing all the people then moving on? We wouldn't ever know. That is until now.

A person approaches him, slowly, cautiously, and asks him why he does this, knowing it will cost her her life. She just needs to know before she does. He turns to her, with a horrifying face. His eye are large and completely red, his face entirely snakelike. She remains as calm as she can, asking him again. He growls his story in strange wording, going like this:
I was born in Transylvania
My mother had left
With my brother
I was raised by a homicidal father
And I resented him
So one day, I came home from school, and he was flailing a knife at me
I tried to kill him instead
He ran
From then I continued on his reputation
But stopped as I realized what I was doing
I was killing innocent people
And I enjoyed it
I hid
I locked myself up
I went insane
So I released myself
Still insane, I went to a cliff
I ended it there
But I didn't die
Part of me still lived
And I became this
Searching for my father
Coming out to feed every year
Death
Evil
The End.


So here he comes.
A murderer.
No shame.
No feeling.
Just hatred for his father.
But he won't stop there.
He's angry at the world.
He'll kill everyone.
Including you.
So when the sky goes dark,
Lock your door.
Cover your windows.
Stay alive.
<3
User avatar
GetsugaDragon
Member of The Dark Brotherhood
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 2359
Joined: June 9th, 2011, 12:59:14 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Behind the wall
Contact:

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by GetsugaDragon »

Hey I think I love this story XD not kidding :o

Is that all? I just wanna know what happens next
ImageImageImageImageImageImage
Hm...free gold
User avatar
Sorren1224
MagiStream Donor
Member of The Herbalist's Guild Member of Artificer's Association Member of Preservationists Association
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 6880
Joined: April 1st, 2011, 6:44:03 pm
Gender: Non-binary

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Sorren1224 »

I could write more, if you really want.
<3
User avatar
GetsugaDragon
Member of The Dark Brotherhood
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 2359
Joined: June 9th, 2011, 12:59:14 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Behind the wall
Contact:

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by GetsugaDragon »

I really want! I really want!
ImageImageImageImageImageImage
Hm...free gold
User avatar
Sorren1224
MagiStream Donor
Member of The Herbalist's Guild Member of Artificer's Association Member of Preservationists Association
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 6880
Joined: April 1st, 2011, 6:44:03 pm
Gender: Non-binary

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Sorren1224 »

Okay, I will.
<3
User avatar
Platypoose
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 1375
Joined: May 6th, 2012, 1:18:55 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Avoiding digital art-wrecking, tablet-bumping cats.
Contact:

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Platypoose »

It's good. If you want to work more on it, it has a lot of promise. If you make it longer, reveal the monster-creature-thing's story later on, and have the last little bit "the warning" as an epilogue or something.
Image
On a semi-hiatus, will be more active in the summer.
ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage
Image
Shop//Art Shop//Keep Cleaning//
Image
User avatar
Sorren1224
MagiStream Donor
Member of The Herbalist's Guild Member of Artificer's Association Member of Preservationists Association
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 6880
Joined: April 1st, 2011, 6:44:03 pm
Gender: Non-binary

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Sorren1224 »

Since more tha oe person wants me to finish this/expand on it, I will make it into a full-out short story. Eventually :lol:
<3
User avatar
GetsugaDragon
Member of The Dark Brotherhood
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 2359
Joined: June 9th, 2011, 12:59:14 pm
Gender: Female
Location: Behind the wall
Contact:

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by GetsugaDragon »

Yay! I can't wait!
ImageImageImageImageImageImage
Hm...free gold
User avatar
Celestialgirl32
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 5
Joined: November 12th, 2009, 1:54:41 pm
Gender: Female

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Celestialgirl32 »

I really love it, it actually got me inspired to write a really horrific horror story. Can't wait to read the rest of your story...and to see what becomes of my own attempt at writing a horror story that good X3
User avatar
Sorren1224
MagiStream Donor
Member of The Herbalist's Guild Member of Artificer's Association Member of Preservationists Association
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 6880
Joined: April 1st, 2011, 6:44:03 pm
Gender: Non-binary

Re: Failed attempt at creepy story-

Post by Sorren1224 »

Haha really? Cool, I inspired someone.

I was inspired by all of Johnny Depp's movies... excepting Charlie and the Chocolate factory and Pirates of the Carribean, of course.
<3
Post Reply

Return to “The Parlor”