A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby streamqueen » May 2nd, 2012, 4:47:12 am

Ch.3
"Ashley hurry up, the bus will be here soon" Kirens voice flitted up through the house, filled with an urgency, Ashley suspected didn't have anything to with the bus arriving before she's ready, Shika and Kay waited, hidden by the bushes from view, it had been planned earlier that the two would follow the bus to the school, because it turns out that Kiren had taken the time to send her to a school where she'd be most at home, there was an averagely sized forest only five minutes walk from the school that Shika had confirmed would be large enough for her and her mate to live in, the exile still stung the pair, but had effected Kay especially bad, he was hurt that he hadn't known about Shika's friendship with Ashley, and he was angry that he'd been pulled down along with her because of it. Stuffing the last of her things into the travel bag, and shouldering a backpack, Ashley took one last look around the room she'd grown up in, the room she'd cried in, the room she'd love forever more, and left. Sarah was crying when the bus drove away, Kiren, ignored the bus and focused instead on the two wolves that had erupted out of the trees and started to follow it, no, he told himself, they aren't following the bus, they're chasing it. Bimbo stuck his head out of an open window, and let the wind ruffle his golden fur. Barking at the two wolves that followed, he shoved the window open further, and pushed his body further out, and Ashley grabbed his collar, reluctant to let him go flying out the window.

"Exile!" Kay spat angrily at Shika "you got me exiled" his anger made him sprint all the faster and he easily passed his mate as he ran after the bus, "and now you expect me to be nice to your human friend!" tears came to Shikas eyes and she faltered in her rhythmic steps to brush it away with her paw, I'm not happy about the exile either she thought but you seem to think only you're upset about it, besides I'm not going to abandon Ashley, she looked up to the bus window where bimbos boofy head stick out and Ashley's hand held him back, Kay looked back at his mate and she averted her gaze downwards, she knew he wasn't going to forgive her easily.

The trip was a five hour drive, and the two wolves ended up having to rely on their noses to find the bus, when it finally came to a halt. Ashley stepped out of the bus door and gasped, never in her life had she seen so many people in one place, nor had she seen a building so large, even on their tiny black and white tv had a place so huge and busy been shown, kids hurried everywhere, everyone was in a rush, and no one stopped to say hi to each other, there were few adults as well, one of which came up to Ashley and introduced himself "hi you must be Ashley, I'm principal Randall, and this must b-" the principals words were cut short as Bimbo bounded down the bus steps and launched himself onto the man "Bimbo! You dumb dog, down!" Ashley tugged at her dogs collar, but the golden furred creature wouldn't budge and continued to cover Randall's face with thick, wet, sticky, slobber, until a young boy with red hair and a freckled face came up and ordered the dog "DOWN!" with a powerful commanding voice, and Bimbo obeyed, much to Ashley's amazement "h-how did you do that?" she asked and the boy shrugged, Randall struggled to get back on his feet, and the two helped him up, brushing off his pants and dabbing at his face with a handkerchief, Randall said gruffly, "I was informed your dog was better behaved" Ashley blushed, "he's excited that's all, and besides I didn't know how he reacted around new people"
"you mean you've never taken him new places?" the boy asked and Ashley shook her head "no, no ones ever taken ME new places" he gasped, "s-so this is the first place you've ever gone?"
"that isn't my own home or forest yeah, it is" Randall coughed into his hand, and indicated to the boy, "Ashley, Brody will help you carry your things to your room, the number is 315" and he left, rubbing the back of her head Ashley looked behind her, her bags were sitting on the dirt behind her and the bus had gone, she wondered where Shika and Kay were, "you have a forest?".

"here we are number 315, your home for the next year" Brody put Ashley's bags down, and the girl dropped her backpack off of her shoulders, "thanks" she said, "um, I-if you see two wolves, an orangey one and a black one, can you tell me?" Brody frowned for a second, "uh sure, wolves? But why?" Ashley hesitated a moment, "um, it's just I have couple of wolves who're friendly towards me, and when I left I saw them following the bus, but don't approach them I'm not sure they'll be so friendly towards a stranger" Brody nodded but the frown remained as he left, opening the room door, Ashley walked in, dragging the heavy bags behind her, "hi I'm Jamie you must be Ashley, I'm your new room mate" Ashley looked up, a girl stood in front of her, offering a hand, she had light brown hair that hung stiffly, Ashley guessed it had been drowned in hairspray, smiling the girl took Jamie's outstretched hand and shook it briskly " you've got good hands, do you do a lot of lifting, or exercise?" Ashley reeled back slightly, "how can you tell?" she thought of all the times she'd helped Shika lift a large branch out of the way of the path to the river, and how she'd helped Kiren move the tv cabinet, to various places more times than she could count, "I do my share, so, are you picky at all about your side of the room or....." Jamie laughed "I can tell we're gonna be good friends, I asked the very same thing to my first roommate and the one after that and the one after that, no, I'm not worried about sides of the room, but, do try to refrain from borrowing my stuff without asking first, I get enough of that at home" Ashley smiled " I agree, and sure, I have a habit of not borrowing things anyway" she laughed and Jamie laughed along with her. "so what classes have you got?" Jamie asked, Ashley frowned "classes?"
"yeah classes, you know the thing you come to school for?" Jamie looked toward her new roommate, "oh, um, I haven't a clue, I guess my brother chose them for me"
"well, we'll ask the school secretary for your class list, then you'll at least know where to go when you have to start dreading learning" Jamie rolled her eyes mockingly, and Ashley smiled nervously.

"hey, sleepy head, Mr. Stan will kill me if I let you sleep in too late, you've got sport first remember?" Jamie softly shook Ashley awake who immediately mumbled for Bimbo to shut up and get out Jamie laughed "my names not Bimbo it's Jamie and besides, I'll be out as soon as your dressed" Ashley opened an eye a crack, and groaned, "ugh I hate school already" Jamie covered her mouth with a hand and giggled uncontrollably "well you'll learn to hate it even more after today". At the sports oval, a line of 23 tired students stood yawning, while their teacher, Mr. Stan, yelled out orders, "right today, I want three laps of this oval, and then 10 pushups each, "well if you want three laps I suggest you get plastic surgery" one boy joked "Mr. Corinna since you seem so smart I'll let you do 4 laps of the oval, and 15 pushups!" the boy groaned, and Jamie smiled, "typical Joe" she said, and Ashley started to jog along with the rest of the class, when she'd finished the three laps Mr. Stan smiled at her, and asked her wether she trained, "train? No I don't, why?" he just smiled and nodded behind her, turning around Ashley saw that the closest person was at least 8 meters away from finishing, "you have some amazing speed" the teacher commented, and Ashley frowned.



Please somebody comment I need critique otherwise I won't know what I do wrong in my writing and I'll never improve
im not going to be on as much as usual. Please bare with my later than normal replies.
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby deweesek » May 22nd, 2012, 10:30:57 pm

This is a really good story!
The only thing you may want to correct are grammatical and spelling errors. :)
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby streamqueen » May 22nd, 2012, 11:24:00 pm

Ooh thank you, and yeah I'm horrible with gramma but spelling? I'm normally an awesome speller! Oh well
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby deweesek » May 23rd, 2012, 8:05:22 pm

They're more typos then just bad spelling.
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby streamqueen » May 23rd, 2012, 11:46:37 pm

Oh yeah I get ya next chapter is gonna take a bit longer, and it's gonna be real long, (it's taken up 3 and a bit pages so far in iPad app pages)
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby deweesek » May 24th, 2012, 10:21:15 pm

Yay!
More story is coming!
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby streamqueen » May 24th, 2012, 10:35:00 pm

Yup hopefully not too much longer
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Re: A Wolf Howls Into The Night (critique wanted)

Postby streamqueen » February 20th, 2013, 3:30:17 am

Ch.4
A knock at the door cut through the chatter that had picked up in room 315 and Ashley opened it to reveal a red faced Brody, "Brody! What are you doing here?" he smiled, and, puffing, said "I-I f-found your wolves, they-they're near the f-forest entrance" Ashley's eyes widened "y-you didn't go near them did you?" worry instantly ebbing into her voice, Brody smiled and shook his head solemnly "n-no don't worry, they growled at me as soon as they saw me I wasn't going anywhere near them" Ashley sighed softly with relief "well thank Shae for that" Jamie and Brody both frowned, "who's Shae?" Jamie asked, "hmm? Oh Shae is my, ugh, god if you like, she's who I believe is, umm, I don't know, but, you get what I mean don't you?" they nodded and Ashley nodded back, "anyway if you'll excuse me I shall go find them" as Ashley left, Brody looked across at Jamie who smiled knowingly and followed.

Shika looked out across the large expanse of flat ground, she was searching, aAhley wasn't yet there, but she'd smelt her on that boy, he'd been near her, the day before, that much Shika could tell, Kay grumbled beside her, something about dragging him into this and it all being 'that humans' fault, Shika shook her head, "hang on" she mumbled, sniffing the air, "there she is!" Kay growled, his fur bristled high along his back, and Shika snarled at him to stop fretting, until she smelt them, the boy, he had followed Ashley! But there was something else as well, Shika sniffed the air again, a slight breeze, brought three scents to her sensitive nose, Ashley's, the boys and, *sniff* another girls! But this one was strange, along with her human scent, the girl had a wolf scent lingering about her also, Shika frowned, what wolf did this girl know? But the thought was dashed from her mind when Ashley came into Shikas sight, and, excited at seeing her friend again, Shika raced up to the girl, and, rearing onto her powerful, hind legs, gave Ashley's face a lick with her wet, slobbery tongue, much to Kay's annoyance who growled menacingly at Brody, and Jamie when he'd caught up, the two stepped back, holding there hands up to show they meant no harm, and that they were no threat. "Shae, told me where to find you" Shika whispered, "the wolf god is wise, she knew where you were" and Ashley nodded, Brody and Jamie only heard a soft growling coming from Shika, for Ashley had been taught the language of the wolves by her canine friend, in case she ever had to be told a message, in a place where Shika could not speak, not in the language of her friend at least. A wolf with a silver coat watched, as his human interacted with another, the new girl had two wolves trotting nearby, but an air of anger surrounded the black male, while the female softly growled, at the human girl, a few tips and hints of what to tell, the boy and his female friend, instantly, the silver furred wolf guessed that the new girl had been taught the language of the wolves, and no doubt by the orange-grey female, growling the silver wolf emerged from the bushes, and Shika stopped tipping Ashley, and instead growled back, at the aggressive wolf that had suddenly appeared. Kay, instantly standing still, stiffened immensely, and began snarling loudly, his large white teeth blinding in contrast to his coat, the silver wolf stopped, and sat down, much to the surprise of Ashley's two friends. Brody frowned, "are you okay, Silver?" and Jamie hid a smile as Ashley's jaw dropped, "s-Silver?" and Jamie's smile turned into laughter, she struggled to remain standing upright, the silver wolf or, Silver shook his head and smiled, but looking to Shikas his smile was dashed from his face "are you crazy?" he snarled standing back up, and advancing threateningly, "do you know the punishment for teaching a human the language of the wolves?" his fangs snapping shut, inches from the she-wolfs nose, Kay's fur bristled in response, but he said nothing. Shika shook, "course I know the consequences" she cried, "but Ashley's not like other humans" her voice dripped with anger, more so, Silver realized, than the black male had surrounding him. "she may be to you, but it takes more than just your word to tell us she's different" and Shika smiled, "yes, that is why I am happy to say that mighty Shae, is on my side" Silver reeled, and Kay spoke up, "I hate to admit it, but she's right, we had Shae's guidance, for we had lost the scent of the girls bus" Ashley scowled "and I hate to admit it but you've still, to remember my name, I'm not simply, 'the girl' you know" and Brody frowned "you can understand what they're saying?" he asked, baffled. "well, yeah Shika taught me their language" she rubbed the back of her head, and thought it all through, other people had wolf friends! She knew that they must have had, but she hadn't bargained on ever meeting any, then again, she hadn't bargained on going to boarding school either.

Silver walked, silently, while his two new companions followed behind, one making more noise than a squirrel in a tree, and the other, flowing through the undergrowth, like a small brook over pebbles, Kay tripped over another stick, and cursed. Shika was too busy taking note of her surroundings to notice, and Silver just kept walking, ignoring him completely, a sound reached Shikas ears, despite her being engrossed in making sure she knew her way around, it was other wolves speaking quietly to each other, she caught a few words but not enough to makes sense of, something about "finding" and "rotting" but the she-wolf figured it might've just been a bit of pack gossip, and so took no notice of it. As the three entered a large clearing Kay stopped short of his clatter, and looked, gaping, there were maybe 15 wolves here, large for the average pack, but most surprisingly everyone seemed to be at more peace than any other wolf pack Kay had ever seen, most wolves were lying around, having heated conversations, and debates, and some were even playing a game of tag, Kay frowned, and Silver noticed his confused expression, "our pack is a lot more socialized than most, comes with knowing the ways of humans that much better than any other wolf," what struck Kay the most was that there didn't seem to be any tension, nothing that hinted what position each wolf took in the pack, they all seemed to be, equal. But that couldn't be, Kay thought, a wolf pack can not run smoothly without an alpha, but, what if it could? He shook his head roughly, ridding himself of the thought, before growling sharply at a deep grey wolf that approached, with a gay smile dancing on his face, the wolf looked intently at Shika who smiled back, completely ignoring Kay's annoyed expression, "and to who do we owe the pleasure of this visit?" he asked, a mischievous glimmer, flickering in his eye, "tail down Kip, the females off limits" Kip looked up "darn" he grumbled, and sulkily slinked off. Shika looked to Silver "are you the pack alpha?" she asked, a tilt to her head, Silver shook his head "we have no alpha, the pack just seems to think of me as leader, but I do not take the place as alpha" and Shika nodded, understanding perfectly, but Kay growled "how can any pack run smoothly without an alpha? It's unnatural,"
"if it's so unnatural for us to have no leader, then how is it that the humans survive just fine?" Silver snarled, and Kay fell silent, instead it was Shika who spoke up, "but the humans do have leaders, they have a few actually, hmm let's see, they have, prime ministers, umm, kings and queens, and uuuuuhhh let's see, well there're well I can't think of any others but they do have leaders," Silver shook his head impatiently, and continued walking, having no other choice, Shika and Kay both followed suit.

"so, you guys have wolf friends as well?" Ashley looked to her room mate, who sat on her bed, across from Brody, who sat on Ashley's with the girl, "well yeah and so do, maybe 15 other kids in the school, oh but we don't call them wolf 'friends' they are our soul spirits, umm it's kind of complicated, but I have to say, Shae may be on your side but" Jamie laughed mid-sentence "you were mighty unlucky, to get a soul spirit, who was already joined with another" Brody chuckled, "Jamie's right there is one other kid here who has a soul spirit with a mate, that's Joe Corinna, the year level joker, I'll see what I can do about getting him to hand a few hints over to you here and there, but first things first" Brody stood up, "you'll have to meet the gang first"

It was a group of excited children, that stood outside the forest edge, late that night, a number of young wolves pranced about their persons legs, deliberately trying to trip them up, Jamie led a blindfolded Ashley, along the rough ground, towards the noise. Brody walked up to the two, and took Ashley's blindfold off, "thanks, ak, bright light" she squinted in the bright light that shone brightly from the full moon, looking down to all the kids she gasped "this is how many people here have wo- um, soul spirits? Wow I didn't think there'd be so many!" Jamie laughed, and pushed Ashley towards the group, pushing through the circle, she encouraged the girl into the middle, "HEY! Guys look here, attention over here guys" as Jamie got everyone's attention, whispers started up, Ashley caught a few words, "new girl" "wonder who her wolf is" "I heard there are two new wolves" she smiled, Shika and Kay had settled in nicely, from the sounds of it, before Jamie could speak again, a loud snarl, erupted from the bushes, and Kip appeared, angry fright, plastered clear across his face, while Kay followed suite snapping angrily at his tail, moments later, Shika appeared, but her face showed worry, Ashley sighed, "and the crazy starts" running out in front of Shika, who skidded to a halt moments before impact, she demanded to know what had happened, Shika smiled, and looked down, "Kip decide he'd try, ummm, coaxing me away from Kay" she said, before she started laughing, and rejoined the chase, shouting for kay to stop and listen to reason, Kip yelping for him to listen to his mate, and Kay snarling his head off, Ashley could understand what he was saying, but it would be better for everyone if the words he used were not repeated. Silver appeared, snarling, and the three wolves slowed to a stop, Kay still growling, and hackles still raised, grumbled, Shika huffed, and walked over to Ashley, almost arrogantly, Jamie shook her head, "right wolves to their spirits, so we can start" Brody escorted Ashley back to the middle of the now, reformed circle, then left her standing next to Jamie, "right, now as I'm hoping you've already guessed, we have a new student in our school, and it so happens to be, that this new student" she gestured to Ashley, "is one of us, though with one minor difference, apart from having known her soul spirit for that much longer than us, but her wolf has a mate, so, you could say she was a little unlucky in that aspect" laughter spread through the kids, Ashley smiled, embarrassed, her eyes lit on Brody, his soul spirit, she realized, was Silver! Jamie continued speaking once the laughter died down "right, announcements done, Ashley if you'd stand beside Brody and Silver with Shika and Kay, we can get started" Ashley nodded, and, collecting Kay from outside of the circle, stood beside Brody, Silver between them. Jamie nodded "good now we can start, everyone, bow your heads in respect for the great Shae, and give your thanks, for having been granted permission, to find your soul spirit" doing as she bid, Ashley bowed her head, and murmured a prayer to Shae, giving her thanks, and asking for the strength, to get through the school year unscathed. When Jamie had everyone's attention, she began to recite an age old speech,

"It is said in myth, that  all creatures of consciousness shared a soul
with another and their love was so strong it angered the gods. Riddled
with jealousy for these creatures the vengeful gods split the soul in
two and cast them far apart from each other. But the soul’s love was
too strong and each half began searching for its mate. A never-ending
quest to be whole again.
One god took pity on the souls, marking three to help guide them to
their mate and protect all that was right in the mortal world. She
marked the souls as wisdom, power, and love. Separate they are great,
but together they form a bond that no power can destroy. For eons, the
souls of wisdom, power, and love were separated. Never reaching their
full potential, they became mages, oracles, and seers. Each life
gaining power that once tapped could save the mortal world from
destruction or keep the vengeful gods from destroying the souls
forever.


"We are gathered here tonight, beneath the full moon, to honor that God, Shae, and the three souls that were marked to guide all others to find their own mates,

“In the rambling of a sweet summer night, when the birds have been defeated by an oh so heavy and moaning moon, exhausted by the light of the sun blinding the mistress with its shameful hue, as the leaves softly rocked in a lullaby sung by Mother Nature's fellow, the wind, I had sat by a tree, nothing much this seems to be for a humble man and woman but the rest after a long walk."

Jamie looked about her, all the kids, all the wolves, stood watching intently, she smiled "now to prove our loyalty, it is time for our weekly hunt, all wolves are to catch a rabbit each, bring it back here, and bury it, without feeding themselves, this is not a race, it is not a competition, there will be no quarreling, you may start" the wolves took off with such a jolt that, their soul spirits were almost knocked over, looking back to the kids left over, Jamie announced their challenge, "for you and I, we must find, something in these woods," she gestured to the trees, "that reflects the beauty, of the mighty Shae, right, off we go" as the group disbanded, Ashley went with Brody and Jamie, who explained what she was supposed to do, "all you have to do, is find something, say a feather or a pretty stone, that you believe reflects the beauty of Mistress Shae, and bring it back" when Ashley nodded she understood, Jamie and Brody left to find their own relics.



(ch.4 up guys hope you like!)


Last bumped by streamqueen on February 20th, 2013, 3:30:17 am.
im not going to be on as much as usual. Please bare with my later than normal replies.
Please please please click!!
ImageImageImageImageImageImageImageImage
The Opposite Day Conundrum
Dream and Rêve (critique welcome!)
User avatar
streamqueen
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Posts: 897
Joined: March 16th, 2011, 10:57:05 pm
Location: I am here but not. I am your best friend, yet you don't know me at all.
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