Out of the sea, into the tank. Please read and comment!

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Out of the sea, into the tank. Please read and comment!

Postby Ashleygal » January 28th, 2012, 5:38:14 pm

Well, this is my first attempt at posting a story here on MS. Hopefully it won't fail.
It's basically about a merman-like being who has been taken from his home and ended up being a rich boy's pet, and how he adjusts. It's early stages now with just two characters, but I'm hoping to put in backstories and such later on. So, here's the first part. Feedback is welcomed, and the rest can be found here: http://crazykitkat1020.deviantart.com/gallery/34738237


Silver bubbles trailed from his mouth. He blinked slowly, before resuming his circling of the large tank he was caged in. The lithe form shot from one corner to the other with just a few flicks of his thick tail, turning his head sharply at the corners to turn his body and narrowly brushing the wall at each sudden turn, just a smoke-grey blur. He bared his shark-like fangs, although it wasn't in a threatening way. He stopped at one point as if on command, the three parallel slits on his neck, as well as the two that ran down his back, opening and shutting quickly with more silver bubbles scurrying up and away. The young man - well, his upper half appeared to be that of a man, anyway - turned onto his back, exposing a white underbelly, and looked up aimlessly at the surface, at the light dancing prettily across the rippling water. His black hair floated loosely around his head, just about covering the slightly lighter-coloured fins he had instead of ears. He suddenly yawned, his mouth gaping widely before snapping shut.
Slight noise from above the surface announced his expected company. His yellow, cat-like gaze fixed on the surface, which he promptly swam up to. Poking his head free of the water, he shook the wet curtain of his hair away from his eyes with a snort of irritation. The tank he was housed in was large, but there was a sort of jetty-thing moored securely to one side of the tank, about twice his length. His gaze was fixed on a lone person who was standing at the edge of the wooden platform slightly nervously, scanning the water closer to it carefully. He ducked his head back under, and then swam closer, much slower than he had been going before, before his head popped back out, seal-like, in front of the person.
The person in question was completely human, there was no denying it. So unlike his 'pet', who was again watching him with that slightly unnerving, cat-like stare.
"Hello, Adrin." The human said when he saw the dark head bob up a few feet away. Adrin just snorted into the water. Ignoring it, Isaac continued, sitting down at the edge of the platform carefully as it moved on the water. "Sorry I couldn't stay long yesterday. You still mad?"
Adrin simply dived, hitting the water with his thick tail as he did so, before emerging a few moments later to find Isaac thoroughly drenched in saltwater. Good.
"Sorry." Isaac sighed, shaking his dripping head. He probably deserved it. He reached back and grabbed something from the other edge of the platform that was secured to the edge of the tank. "Forgive me?" He asked, holding up a whole dead mackrel towards Adrin by the tail.
Adrin blinked, swimming a little closer towards the human, and the fish. He stopped, his gaze going from Isaac to the fish and back a few times.
"Will you say it?" Isaac asked, knowing he was probably starting to push his luck. Adrin let out another snort, but the fish proved too good a lure. He raised his head slightly so that his face was out water, and then sighed deeply.
"Yee-ess..." He hissed after a moment, his voice soft and rather breathy with a strong accent. English was clearly not his first language.
Isaac tossed him the fish, and Adrin quickly reared out of the water to catch it, his teeth closing round it with a snap, almost cutting it in half. He sunk back below the water for a moment, and swallowed the fish whole. He reappeared a few moments later, but only surfacing enough for his eyes to just be clear of the water as he watched Isaac, and he gave the human a clear Now what? look.
"I'll come back later, but I need to go now." Isaac said regretfully, and as if on cue, a shrill woman's voice called up for the young man. Adrin winced a little, his fin-like ears flattening against his skull at the sound.
"Bye." The human said, smiling hopefully at Adrin and then getting up. He walked over to the other edge of the platform, and then onto a flight of stairs which would lead down to ground level, calling back to his mother. Adrin sighed to himself, watching his frie- owner leave, and then he sank back below the water. He hung there for a moment, long arms dangling limply, and then he resumed his pacing round the edge of the tank.

Bleh, I have half a mind to get rid of it. Again, feedback/constructive criticism or whatever is welcome. Characters and vague plot-thing belong to me. :angel:
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Re: Out of the sea, into the tank. Please read and comment!

Postby GingerFang » February 10th, 2012, 6:54:45 pm

It could use some work, but otherwise it seems fine. I read the other parts too, it is an excellent story so far. Please continue to write more! <3
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Re: Out of the sea, into the tank. Please read and comment!

Postby Ashleygal » March 17th, 2012, 7:08:57 am

Thanks! ^_^ What do you think I could do to improve it, though?


Last bumped by Ashleygal on March 17th, 2012, 7:08:57 am.
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