Poem writing, come and post!

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Poem writing, come and post!

Postby blackpearl » August 30th, 2011, 7:55:26 pm

Hi! this is a free post, where no body has to pay anything to post! I am lately into poems, so i want to hear from you. Here is my first poem....


Alone, always forgotten
never thought of
walked by daily
but never looked at
wishing to see the outside world
i am, but a lonely book.
Last edited by blackpearl on May 31st, 2013, 11:45:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby winterkitten » August 31st, 2011, 8:46:14 am

A nice little poem.
Although I guess there can be more transition between the lines 'but never looked at' and 'wishing to see the outside world' because so far, your poem's mostly about not being noticed, not wanting to see the outside world.

But who cares. It's a nice poem, short and sweet. Just my two cents. And to add on, I felt like randomly coming up with a (hopefully) matching-ish poem in response:

they know and love me
day in, day out, so many come seeking knowledge
and yet I do not know what my pages speak of
I never have and never will see
beyond the glass doors of this library
I am, but a trapped reference book.


(now wasn't that horrible. D:)
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby blackpearl » August 31st, 2011, 5:33:09 pm

that wasn't horrible, it was good! i like it. all you have to do with it is add more deitail, otherwise, super good.
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby BubblesTD » August 31st, 2011, 6:25:56 pm

Here is a little something something:

Monster
Silence is in my wake
Room is filled with hate
Fear me and I will leave you alone
Be afraid and I'll let you go
But defy me and you will not live
To tell the tale of what I give
For what I bring is death
I am a monster
Last edited by BubblesTD on September 1st, 2011, 8:20:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby Crazyflight » August 31st, 2011, 9:09:30 pm

Both poems didn't have much detail. And they didn't need it! It was part of their unique charm. I liked both of them.

blackpearl, in yours, however, it seemed that commas and better punctuation would make it better. If you read it as a run-on sentence, it sounds incredibly sloppy. If you are reading this aloud it would sound like this and this does not sound very good. Here is my revised version of the poem;

I am alone, always forgotten.
never thought of;
walked by daily,
but never looked at.
Just wishing to see the outside world.
I am, but a lonely book.

Not much editing, but can you see that it's better? Hopefully you will heed my advice this time.

~Crazy ^_^
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby winterkitten » September 1st, 2011, 4:24:37 am

BubblesTD wrote:Here is a little something something:

Monster
Silence is in my wake
Room is filled with hate
Fear me and I will leave you alone
Be afraid and I'll let you go
Defy me and you will not live
To tell the tale of what I give
For death is what I am
A monster


A nice poem!
Although I think the transition between the lines 'be afraid and I'll let you go' and 'defy me and you will not live', since they present different ideas of death- that death can be forgiving ("I'll let you go") but harsh ("you will not live" <--pretty ironic phrase, actually XD). Like maybe add a 'but..' or something like that, to signal the change in mood.

Crazyflight wrote:blackpearl, in yours, however, it seemed that commas and better punctuation would make it better. If you read it as a run-on sentence, it sounds incredibly sloppy. If you are reading this aloud it would sound like this and this does not sound very good.

Omitting punctuation does have its effect, although I do agree with Crazyflight that the poem does sound a bit nicer with punctuation and stuff. Yay this is like some cozy random poem-writing-and-advice-giving-corner :D
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby BubblesTD » September 1st, 2011, 8:20:27 am

okay, thanks. I edited it a little.
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby raen » September 1st, 2011, 4:06:21 pm

These are very interesting poems. I like them. Here's one of mine.

The Universe
Whirling, twirling, flying, falling.
An endless sea of stars and black
Stares at me from below my feet.

Up is down and down is up.
Forever is but a second
In a space that doesn't exist.

I try to speak and colors emerge;
Liquid crystal drops are all I see.
Fire dances wild in my ears.

I look back and see my future
Flickering wildly in the vaults
Of a murky, hidden present.

The past looms ahead of me,
All the choices I've made
That have led me to this nowhere.

A trembling sound touches my tongue
Escorting half-realized truths,
Twisting in the nothingness.

I sigh and feel mountains crumble,
I blink and taste the whip of waves,
I listen and feel apart of the whole.
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby Lilianne » September 1st, 2011, 9:40:24 pm

raen, great poem! I thought the beginning was a little slow, but once you got going it was amazing :D Here's one of mine:


And one, two, three, four,
Step and step again,
Raise your hands, smile,
Kiss your feet and then,
Tap and glide,
Sway and slide
Like old Mr. Martin used to sing.

Laugh and glow
It’s not a show
A misstep becomes a lesson
Of the highest quality
And a quick step the most fun
For the watching crowd to see.

Don’t forget to catch yourself
When he dips you low
And when he looks you in the eye
And says, all nice and slow,
Thank you, lovely, for the dance
Well a girl just has to blush and shine.

And when he twirls you round
And catches you up close,
Remember, you don’t know him
It’s just a dance, just a dance.


Pretty rough, i just sort of spit it out on the spot. The ending wasn't quite what i expected it to be, but if it's true...





Siggy art done by the wonderful Lucinas1984!
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Re: Poem writing, come and post!

Postby blackpearl » September 1st, 2011, 9:44:43 pm

Crazyflight wrote:Both poems didn't have much detail. And they didn't need it! It was part of their unique charm. I liked both of them.

blackpearl, in yours, however, it seemed that commas and better punctuation would make it better. If you read it as a run-on sentence, it sounds incredibly sloppy. If you are reading this aloud it would sound like this and this does not sound very good. Here is my revised version of the poem;

I am alone, always forgotten.
never thought of;
walked by daily,
but never looked at.
Just wishing to see the outside world.
I am, but a lonely book.

Not much editing, but can you see that it's better? Hopefully you will heed my advice this time.

~Crazy ^_^


Hey thanks crazy! It was helpful. if anyone has anything to say, go ahead and say it. Here is my next one

Someday I will look down on you in a castle,
Someday I will be in charge of you,
Someday I will be more powerful then you will ever know,
That someday might come sooner then you think!
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