Partners
Posted to original
poems- would love some constructive criticism
Moderator: Tea House Moderators
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rainswings
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: somewhere with the doctor
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: somewhere with the doctor
Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism
Horizon
Posted to original.
Next poems will be typed here, on page 4.
Posted to original.
Next poems will be typed here, on page 4.
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism
Page two
Famine
You
The Grey Scale
(for anyone who has any weight problem)
Moon
Death of you
The End
(Currently Unnamed, taking suggestions!)
A Friend Lost
For You
This World
It Seems, This Time
You don't Own Me
Famine
Spoiler
People are out on the streets
Crying
Dying
Because there is famine.
Starvation of a need,
One no one shall let us heed,
There is a great worldwide
Famine.
One you haven't heard of,
One that sounds impossible,
One that seems unimportant, but It's a terrible
Famine.
If only it was of food,
Or of water to drink,
But something much more neccesary,
Destroyed by terrible Famine.
Faces ashen,
Streets grayed,
You see, they made the colors fade in this
Famine.
They ration it now,
A red a week,
A blue a day,
And if you highly pay,
A yellow a month in this terrible
Famine.
Crying
Dying
Because there is famine.
Starvation of a need,
One no one shall let us heed,
There is a great worldwide
Famine.
One you haven't heard of,
One that sounds impossible,
One that seems unimportant, but It's a terrible
Famine.
If only it was of food,
Or of water to drink,
But something much more neccesary,
Destroyed by terrible Famine.
Faces ashen,
Streets grayed,
You see, they made the colors fade in this
Famine.
They ration it now,
A red a week,
A blue a day,
And if you highly pay,
A yellow a month in this terrible
Famine.
You
Spoiler
Sunlight dapples your skin
flecks it brown.
Some call it freckles,
I call it beautiful.
Earth graces your eyes
Most call it brown.
Some call it plain and ugly,
I call it warm.
Shadows hug your hair,
Drapes it in black.
Some call it dark,
I call it mysterious smoke.
Insecurity grips your heart
Makes it scared.
Some call it stupid,
I call it lovable.
I hope this poem was graced with your smile because you were somewhere in it!
flecks it brown.
Some call it freckles,
I call it beautiful.
Earth graces your eyes
Most call it brown.
Some call it plain and ugly,
I call it warm.
Shadows hug your hair,
Drapes it in black.
Some call it dark,
I call it mysterious smoke.
Insecurity grips your heart
Makes it scared.
Some call it stupid,
I call it lovable.
I hope this poem was graced with your smile because you were somewhere in it!
The Grey Scale
(for anyone who has any weight problem)
Spoiler
Here we go again
I have to go on that damned gray scale
The one that calls me names
And points and laughs.
The numbers fight me
And they bite me
Embarass me
Harass me.
Stop it!
You take the color
Out of my day.
Its all a number.
That terrible number
That doesn't change
Is that all I am to people?
My number?
Damn you, grey scale
I want the color in my day,
No more number.
Please, oh please, go away.
I have to go on that damned gray scale
The one that calls me names
And points and laughs.
The numbers fight me
And they bite me
Embarass me
Harass me.
Stop it!
You take the color
Out of my day.
Its all a number.
That terrible number
That doesn't change
Is that all I am to people?
My number?
Damn you, grey scale
I want the color in my day,
No more number.
Please, oh please, go away.
Moon
Spoiler
Moon?
asks the child, late in the night,
What are you?
Are you made of cheese?
Are you the chesire cat's smile?
Are you a white rose
Blooming in the twilight?
Did someone spill milk in the sky?
Is that why
The stars are so small?
They are just the little drips off of
you?
Moon?
Questions the mother, so early in the day,
What are you?
Are you in a painting
That whirls and twirls in the night?
Are you falling in the sky
A ball thrown by an invisible giant?
What are you?
Moon?
Asks the old man,
Nearly late in his bed,
Will you guide me to where I go?
Will you help me and those who need it so?
You sit in the sky all though the night
Helping all with your guiding light.
Bring us all to where we belong
Help us all when we end our song.
asks the child, late in the night,
What are you?
Are you made of cheese?
Are you the chesire cat's smile?
Are you a white rose
Blooming in the twilight?
Did someone spill milk in the sky?
Is that why
The stars are so small?
They are just the little drips off of
you?
Moon?
Questions the mother, so early in the day,
What are you?
Are you in a painting
That whirls and twirls in the night?
Are you falling in the sky
A ball thrown by an invisible giant?
What are you?
Moon?
Asks the old man,
Nearly late in his bed,
Will you guide me to where I go?
Will you help me and those who need it so?
You sit in the sky all though the night
Helping all with your guiding light.
Bring us all to where we belong
Help us all when we end our song.
Death of you
Spoiler
Life
Is the death of you
Hope
Is the death of you
Love
Is the death of you.
And they seemed so nice
These sweet little
Terrors.
And maybe, just maybe,
They are.
Or at least compared to these.
Fear
Is the death of you
Loss
Is the death of you
Anger
Is the death of you.
True terrors are those,
The evil triad
Fear death loss.
Death is not one of them,
Death can be
Life hope love.
A terrifying, terrible name
For something that heals us.
For something
That frees us from chains.
Many run from it and fight it,
But the brave accept it and greet like an old friend
When their death comes for them.
Is the death of you
Hope
Is the death of you
Love
Is the death of you.
And they seemed so nice
These sweet little
Terrors.
And maybe, just maybe,
They are.
Or at least compared to these.
Fear
Is the death of you
Loss
Is the death of you
Anger
Is the death of you.
True terrors are those,
The evil triad
Fear death loss.
Death is not one of them,
Death can be
Life hope love.
A terrifying, terrible name
For something that heals us.
For something
That frees us from chains.
Many run from it and fight it,
But the brave accept it and greet like an old friend
When their death comes for them.
The End
Spoiler
What happens
In the end?
Where do we go
In the end?
Who will take us,
In the end?
Why must we go
In the end?
will we fall
Down forever,
Torn and tired,
in the end?
or
Will we rise,
take to the
Skies
In the end?
In the end?
Where do we go
In the end?
Who will take us,
In the end?
Why must we go
In the end?
will we fall
Down forever,
Torn and tired,
in the end?
or
Will we rise,
take to the
Skies
In the end?
(Currently Unnamed, taking suggestions!)
Spoiler
Honestly Brutal
Beautiful lies,
Razors for hearts
Sharper than knives.
Dreams surround
Lonely corpses,
Their only comfort
In dying roses.
Caged in
Broken hearts
On their skin
They leave scars
Dreams surround
Broken hearts,
Their only comfort:
The blazing stars.
Beautiful lies,
Razors for hearts
Sharper than knives.
Dreams surround
Lonely corpses,
Their only comfort
In dying roses.
Caged in
Broken hearts
On their skin
They leave scars
Dreams surround
Broken hearts,
Their only comfort:
The blazing stars.
A Friend Lost
Spoiler
The dress still flows
With your endless movement
Though you are gone
And never in it.
Your shadow sits
In my windowsill
Sipping the steam of my coffee
In the morning chill.
In the corner of my eye
I still see you passing
But when I turn and look
It's only memory lasting.
I pray your voice will leave me
Fill my ears with another sound
But still I hear you speaking
Though you're not around.
In the night when I'm alone
And I hear your footsteps cross the floor
I remind myself -painfully- I'm only dreaming,
I don't want this anymore.
Yet if you were to truly leave me
Be gone in a flash of blinding light
If honestly I'm speaking
In that moment, I would die.
With your endless movement
Though you are gone
And never in it.
Your shadow sits
In my windowsill
Sipping the steam of my coffee
In the morning chill.
In the corner of my eye
I still see you passing
But when I turn and look
It's only memory lasting.
I pray your voice will leave me
Fill my ears with another sound
But still I hear you speaking
Though you're not around.
In the night when I'm alone
And I hear your footsteps cross the floor
I remind myself -painfully- I'm only dreaming,
I don't want this anymore.
Yet if you were to truly leave me
Be gone in a flash of blinding light
If honestly I'm speaking
In that moment, I would die.
For You
Spoiler
I would write symphonies and arrange the earth to play them for your amusement
I would buy the moon and hang it in your room
I would waltz through a rainforest to find all the unknown animals for you to love
I would rot in a dungeon if it kept you safe in a castle
I would end wars and part seas and create universes if it made you happy
I would do anything within my power, that and more
For you to feel loved
I would buy the moon and hang it in your room
I would waltz through a rainforest to find all the unknown animals for you to love
I would rot in a dungeon if it kept you safe in a castle
I would end wars and part seas and create universes if it made you happy
I would do anything within my power, that and more
For you to feel loved
This World
Spoiler
In this world
///the tiny are Mightful
///the quiet Spriteful
///the rough Kindful
///the unhappy Delightful
///the tiny are Mightful
///the quiet Spriteful
///the rough Kindful
///the unhappy Delightful
Spoiler
It seems, this time,
That the mermaid has died
And the fisherman has lived
What a wonderful occurrence.
Colored moments fade to black & white
Details fall apart
Sandpaper grating on thoughts
Leaving only emotion.
The remains of a story
A beautiul corpse on a littered street
Brings alleycats to mewl in delight
As they feast on its bones.
A swingset with well-worn seats
Sits silently in the old park
Abandoned to aloneness
Singe the playground was demolished.
Crying birds circle the air
Unknowing of where to migrate
They're to go back home
But home is only in their heads.
It seems, this time,
That the fisherman has died
And the mermaid has lived
What a wonderful occurrence.
That the mermaid has died
And the fisherman has lived
What a wonderful occurrence.
Colored moments fade to black & white
Details fall apart
Sandpaper grating on thoughts
Leaving only emotion.
The remains of a story
A beautiul corpse on a littered street
Brings alleycats to mewl in delight
As they feast on its bones.
A swingset with well-worn seats
Sits silently in the old park
Abandoned to aloneness
Singe the playground was demolished.
Crying birds circle the air
Unknowing of where to migrate
They're to go back home
But home is only in their heads.
It seems, this time,
That the fisherman has died
And the mermaid has lived
What a wonderful occurrence.
You don't Own Me
Spoiler
This broken heart still beats
This lost mind still thinks
This cracking voice still sings
This butterfly still has wings
I'm not made to be your pet
///I'm made to quote songs
//////And fall in love
/////////And fly away
This lost mind still thinks
This cracking voice still sings
This butterfly still has wings
I'm not made to be your pet
///I'm made to quote songs
//////And fall in love
/////////And fly away
Last edited by rainswings on May 29th, 2016, 9:24:52 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: somewhere with the doctor
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: somewhere with the doctor
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AwesomeSauce
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 2119
- Joined: January 18th, 2010, 9:33:42 am
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism
The one you wrote for a wedding is just perfect for it! Its so awesome.
† I believe in Jesus Christ, my Savior. If you do too then copy and paste this in your signature.†
Mood: wee
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rainswings
- Creatures • Trade
- Posts: 554
- Joined: July 18th, 2011, 5:38:21 pm
- Gender: Female
- Location: somewhere with the doctor
Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism
You think that these poems are dreadful,
But really they are rather quite wonderful.
Seriously, though, these are nice.
But really they are rather quite wonderful.
Seriously, though, these are nice.
I LIKE META KNIGHT!!!
Help them grow. Please?
Pokemon are awesome!!! Anyone that likes Pokemon's okay in my book!
I like poetry, stories, and drawings. I also like phoenixes and stuff like that.
For a friend: http://dragcave.net/view/OP2ZX and http://dragcave.net/view/QEvWT
PLEASE HELP!!!
Help them grow. Please?
Pokemon are awesome!!! Anyone that likes Pokemon's okay in my book!
I like poetry, stories, and drawings. I also like phoenixes and stuff like that.
For a friend: http://dragcave.net/view/OP2ZX and http://dragcave.net/view/QEvWT
PLEASE HELP!!!