poems- would love some constructive criticism

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Do you like my poems/quotes?

I love them!
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42%
Pretty good.
5
42%
Meh.
1
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BOORIING
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rainswings
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poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by rainswings »

I know that these won't be very good, but I want to get better. I will write more and add them to this. Please give some feedback. This page has thirteen, more poems on page four.
Spoiler
Fall is Here

The sun sets red and gold and white
And you know
Fall is here

Dappled leaves fall onto painted ground
So you know
Fall is here

The fox's fur burnes brightly red
Telling you that
Fall is here

The trees' nuts have all been stolen
Reminding you
Fall is here
Spoiler
Flight

I stand in the center of a
Grassy field.
It engulfs me
Fills me
Raises my heart.

And as I stand
The icy wind
Chills me,
Thrills me
Fills my wings.

As I jump
This new power
Excites me,
Suprises me
Lifts me skyward.

As I soar
The world flies
Away from me,
Waving to me
And I am free.
This next one has nothing to do with my own experience, unless you count that he has done all this for me.
Spoiler
A Real Father

A real father
Holds his child while they cry.
A real father
Tucks in their child when the moon is high

A real father
Attends every performance their cild is in.
A real father
Plays games with their child and sometimes allows them to win.

A real father
Promises to kill the boy who breaks his girl's heart.
A real faather
Promises their child that they are ever so smart.

A real father
Is something almost never seen before.
A real father
Promises to do all this and so much more.
Loss for the Better
Spoiler
It will take a long time
Before I can breathe
But he's gone
So now I can see.

There was a boy
Who I wanted to kiss.
But he didn't see me,
And I dissapeared in the mist.

I cried myself to sleep,
And wished upon a star,
But still he looked right through me,
'cause sometimes that's just the way things are.

And so I kept on following,
Plodding along behind
Just to see what it felt like
To imagine that he was mine.

And It killed me.
And I died.
But he's gone now,
So I'll cry.

But now that there's a hole
Where I used to dream,
That can be filled with truth
And yes, its just as painful as It might seem.


Where has eighth grade gone?
Spoiler
Where has eighth grade gone?
I swear it was over by seventh grade just a moment ago.
But now as I pack up my memories for ninth grade
I cannot find last year.

I truly have looked everywhere.
Under fifth grade,
Inside First grade's left shoe(It loves to steal stuff)
I even looked around kindergarten(but not too close, it smells bad.)

Where has eighth grade gone?
I miss it dearly.
I wanted to tell you about
All the great times we had.

About how I had a crush
And about the sevvies
And the awesome teachers
And even The annoying one.

Where has eighth grade gone?
I thought I had it under my clarinet,
But no.
I thought I had it on my best friends hand, but no.

I think eighth grade ran away,
Or got ran over by a boy.
Do memories have funerals?
Eighth grade deserves one.

I heard It walked over to school,
And's hiding in my eighth grade locker,
waiting for next years eighth grader
To help it be a good, fun one.

Thank you eighth grade,
Thanks for the really good time,
But I've got to go now,
And you've got a memory to be.


an odd one... again
While You Were Out
Spoiler
Hello, Im your
'prized possesion'
Remember me?
You named me
And gave me a home
And talk to me
And say you love me.
Thanks for that.

You know that puzzle you were working on?
Well sorry, but the pet got to it.
I tried to stop them,
But they stole a few pieces
While you were out.
And the puzzle was so cool,
And you're going to look everywhere for those pieces
Like you always do.

And when you slammed your door last time
One of your pictures fell.
I think it's of your mom
But I can't really tell.
I don't know if you noticed it
As you never looked at the picture in the first place.

And while you were out
The neighborhood cat
Left a 'treat'
Out on the front yard.
You'll need to clean it up.
Oh, and one of the coats fell
Yes, the same one as always.
You should put it in a better place.

While you were out
Your phone went off
You know, the one you left at the house.
Again.

While you were out
I talked to your pillow.
They say you're really smart.
And the one you rarely use
Says your memory foam pillow
Is stealing your memories
And thats why you're so forgetful.

And your pen fell on the floor again,
And the pets are complaining because they haven't been fed
And I am very sorry I cannot fix it,
But as you know
Im an inanimate object
And not alive,
So I can't
Talk,
Walk,
Or say I love you too.


In this one a few words are used I will explain.
Crescendo: start quiet, gets louder
piano: quiet

Musical Life

Spoiler
I wake to singing birds
and eat breakfast with snapping cereal
Grab my humming phone
And out the bass drum door.

Tapping rain
On piano ground
The occasional crescendo car
That makes a cymbal splash.

Buzzing bus
And breathing doors
Screeching tires
High whistle train.

Drumming feet
Squeaky shoes
Rustle of paper
Clicks of pens.

Exuberant instruments
Singing clear
Buzzing exitement
the end of the loud day is almost near.

Repeat the bus
Repeat the home
Banging of head
Soft lullaby of sleep.

Repeat.


Fear
Spoiler
I hide in dark dorms
I creep out of crevices,
I have no heart.
I make death come alive.

I crawl along the wall,
Fangs clicking, invisible eyes
Seeing, taking your soul by storm,
I have fury.

I make you turn on the light,
The reason you have trouble sleeping at night,
No one knows how I do it,
But I make them cry.

I grow darkly and
Unfurl my haunting hour wings,
I slither slowly into your heart,
And give the worst of dreams.

None can leave my icy black claws,
Or trust my glowing red eyes,
No one ever likes me,
For its everyone I despise.

I make you worry about the
One closed door,
And linger on the thoughts about the
One dressed in black,
It is me who makes you
Always go back.


Portrait Of a Crush (the one that has been mentioned before in Loss for the Better)
Spoiler
With eyes of ice,
He'll see right through me,
Like water rippling over river stones.

He'll stare at the black and white board,
Ten plays ahead in his head,
The rooks, knights, and bishops waiting for his move.

His red hair will sway
And he will flick it all away,
And sit there unknowing of how good he looks.

I will sit and stare,
Forget my manners there,
Burned alive by the warmpth of his heart.

I ask, "Um...how was your day?"
He will stand, and stare,
And then walk away.


Proud to be a Table
Spoiler
If you were a table
Just like me,
You'dknow people's secrets,
And who they ought to be.

You'd know who had a crush
And for whom they sought.
You'd know who's a good kid,
And whom they wish would rot.

You'd have many an autograph,
And hear many a sound.
And in children's confused fustration,
You'd feel many a pound.

And sometimes yes it sucks
To feel a childs tears,
And to have no way to comfort them
Througout all the years.

But to feel the scritter scratter,
Of a writer starting to write,
Or to feel a childs answer
That you know that they got right

Makes me proud to be a table,
To be exactly me,
To know peoples secrets,
And who they soon will be.


'quotes' I made up
Spoiler
Without death, we have nothing to live for.

To kill is a power none should have

Im pretty sure someone else has said this one but:
Every end is a new beginning.

Its ok to go with theflow, just make sure to make your own waves

My friend wrote this
Life is the process of death


AAND back to 2011 poetry.
Life
Spoiler
The process of death
That one last step
The big true breath
Its life.

The last note in a song,
The one that was to be sung all along
you know that one
Its life.

You keep going down the long straight road,
waiting for the turn you know should come
But you have to turn to make the new path
In life.

The blind eye must be turned
The mute voice must be heard
The flint heart must be warmed
For life.

The killer
The lover
The dreamer,
Thats life.

The road is long
The tracks forever rough
Thats why you need to have someone to hold hands with
In life.


This one I wrote for a wedding, so its way over happy and lovey-dovey, but good... I think
Partners
Spoiler
We all laugh
We all cry,
We all tell truths
And we all lie.
But two makes it better.

For every great Superhero,
There’s a great sidekick
For every great story of Jane,
There’s another great one of Dick.

For lovers it’s their partner,
For dreamers it’s their mind,
For singers it’s their song,
For hunters it’s their find.

You two have each other,
You know inside they’re right,
May you always have each other,
Into the day and through the night.


Horizon
Spoiler
See it?
Right there,
On the
Horizon?
All the hopes and dreams
for tomorrow?

See it?
There,
On the Horizon?
All the sunrise golds and purples
And sunset reds and pinks?

See it?
Right there,
In the dreamers eyes?
The hope,
The life,
Of tomorrow?

Right there,
On the Horizon.

(done on a dare)



Thanks to DragonIce2000 for helping me with spoilers
Last edited by rainswings on February 9th, 2014, 5:29:22 pm, edited 14 times in total.
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aurora37
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by aurora37 »

I actually think they're pretty good...and no, I'm not saying this just to be polite. :wave: watt I'd like to know is, do you poems follow a form? If so, watt kind of poems are they?
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DI2k
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by DI2k »

These are quite lovely. Many of the desciptive phrases you used in them give the poems some depth.

For the spoilers: You'll want to click the little eye next to the drop-down menu used to change font size.
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rainswings
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by rainswings »

I don't know if my poems follow a form :sweat: but I do know that the first one is repetitive...?And I promise you that is not because I was repetitively hitting my head against my hand :facepalm: trying to figure out the next verse...I swear ;)
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by aurora37 »

rainswings wrote:I don't know if my poems follow a form :sweat: but I do know that the first one is repetitive...?And I promise you that is not because I was repetitively hitting my head against my hand :facepalm: trying to figure out the next verse...I swear ;)
Yeah I know what you mean...I have a poem that's a little repetitive, too
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by FireCalls »

Oh yes, well you could definitely increase you vocab...like tenfold. And, um, like duh, use some more...puzzazz! Its like totally lame dude, you need more energy! If you go on like this...uck, just gag me with a spoon! Like, no joke. Find yourself a honey and, WAMOH! Inspiration. You need some lovely poetry, insteead of this bleak sludge......ok, jk. I love them and you know it. Great job amy!

yay! two thumbs up! and forget the whole gag, spoon thing. I went slighly 80s valley girl on you. But no, really, they are good! i just love teasin' ya!
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rainswings
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by rainswings »

Loss for the better
posted to top.
Last edited by rainswings on August 10th, 2011, 12:41:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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rainswings
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

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Where has eighth grade gone?
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by RapidKiller »

OMG I love your poetry :3
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rainswings
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Re: poems- would love some constructive criticism

Post by rainswings »

While You Were Out
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