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Burn | Criticism Accepted

Postby TwoThousand » July 29th, 2012, 2:07:36 am

I looked up, my eyes hurting slightly against the sun rising, I closed my eyes, looked down, and reopened them.
My name is Elio Ayils- I am the son of Alexander Ayils, I am a Bastard. My mother is unknown to me, and my father trains me in the ways of being an assassin. My mother is not spoken about to me from my father. He says I have emerald green eyes just like my mother, but that is all. I have a buzz cut for my hair, done by my father- and my chocolate brown hair barely grows to the tips of my ears, unlike the other boys my father trains, who usually have their hair to their shoulders. I am currently 15 years in age, and my father plans on sending me on my first assassination, or job, as he calls it. I will wear simple clothing and go for a girl by the name of Ruby. A simple job in description, spill her blood, she will meet with me because she is an assassin too, after my life, I am too kill her when she least expects it. At least, it is simple for an assassin at my father’s level. I had never stolen another human’s life on purpose; however, I planned on doing the devious job with full intent.

I brought my sword down to the dummies head gently, and I said sorry to it before I drew my sword quickly back, along with jumping back myself. I quickly stabbed my sword through the heart of the dummy, and rolled behind it. I heard the heavy footsteps of a Comrade, probably Leon Drundren, a fat apprentice of my father. I turned to see it was who I had guessed, and he was drawing a sword down upon my head, I quickly lunged forward, drawing out my two hidden daggers and caught his sword in its place. I could see the look on Leon’s face, my father had probably told him to kill me, as he did to most of his newer apprentices, I pushed the sword to his left with my daggers, and kicked him to the ground with a powerful front kick. Once Leon had hit the ground, I approached him, bent down, and spit in his eye. I stood once more and ripped my sword from the practice dummy; I glared at Leon, as if saying, next time you try something stupid like that, this will be you. Of course this had not been the first time I had been approached like this, and it would not be the last. My father was always training me to be better, and I always got better. I believed with every single brain cell in my mind that his only wishes were to create the greatest assassin who ever walked the poor country of Alshauz. Yes, poor, I lived in one of the more gruesome areas of Rushla, and I wasn’t afraid to show it.

I walked into the barracks, where everyone ate breakfast- which usually was eggs and pig, which my father stole from our neighbor- and I sat down roughly at the end of the table. Every single kid near me moved away, I laughed, I knew they all feared me, and I enjoyed it. I wasn’t ignorant, or even brutal, but my father bribed them to attack me for an extra ration of Pig, but all the fights end the same, with a quick resistance, I take them all down. I looked at one kid who sat down next to me, with a smile on his face, he said to me, “Hiya, names Luke, who are you?” I nearly choked on pig when I heard this, someone who didn’t know me; the almighty Bastard, “The Feared” as most called me, I just looked at Luke, and said, “I like you kid.” And then I went back to eating. Leon came up to grab my shoulder, as if he didn’t except defeat, which he never did, and tore me from my spot. A few other kids joined in on the assault, I had been caught by surprise, it was a first, and they started pounding on me. Luke jumped up and I thought we was going to join on the beating, but he grabbed Leon’s face and smashed it into the table, I broke free from his grip, and I grabbed his hand and pushed him into submission, and then broke him arm, fights always for violent like this, but usually I was the one doing all the fighting, but now, Luke was assisting. I looked at him, he was taking on three of the larger, better fighters, with ease. I took on the rest of the group, and in less than a few minutes they all lay on the ground bloody and beaten. I looked at Luke, and he just gleamed at me, and said, “So, what’s your name? I don’t think I caught it.” I grinned, and replied, “Elio, but those morons usually call me other names, but, as you see, they don’t make too much of an impression on anyone except themselves.” Luke laughed, and told me how he was new here, and I patted his shoulder, and replied, “Luke, you keep this up and my father will love you like he…’Loves’ me.
I had never seen anyone like Luke in my life before; he gleamed all the time, never showing any emotion besides joy. Luke had blue eyes that looked like the dirty water that we got to drink during every meal; and his hair, it was brushed down in front, covering his eyebrows, and it hung down to his ears on the sides. It was a golden shade of yellow, It was though he was a dream, Luke was the perfect sparring partner too, we always fought fairly, unlike all the other kids, and we always made sure we didn’t harm each other.


A Few weeks had passed since Luke had first backed me, and I felt like he was the first friend I had ever really had, and I enjoyed him. My father told us to down to the market and buy bread and eggs. Luke and I casually strolled down to the market with nothing except the money on us, and we noticed a few girls getting harassed by a few thugs, now, being no better than thugs ourselves, we ignored it at first, but apparently the girls noticed us, and called for help, so Luke begged for me to help them, and of course Luke got me to agree. We approached the thugs, and told them to back off. When they refused, and pulled knives on us, I said, “Look, just because you think you are tough because you are mugging girls, doesn’t mean we can’t take you.” This got the thug mad, and he swung at me with the knife, and I easily ducked it and hit his wrist, causing him to drop the knife. Luke swept it off and quickly untied the girls who had been tied down, and one had been gagged, and stripped down to nothing except underclothing. The others had been stripped, but not gagged. One girl grabbed a chain and jumped up behind the thug who was now after Luke, and began to choke him, she quickly killed him and threw him to the ground, and the other thug ran off before any of us could react. Once Luke and I had freed all the girls we let them redress before we began to speak to the girl who had killed the man. She spoke with a very soft voice, and I noticed her glimmering dark eyes which looked at the chain, red with the blood from the thug. She looked up at us and managed to say thank you, and looked at Luke and smiled, while when she looked at me she squinted her eyes. She hurried off with most of the girls except for one, who stayed behind; it was the girl who had been gagged, she wore a bandana around her head, and a golden chain around her left wrist, her shorts fell below her knees, unlike most girls in Alshauz, who usually wore shorts just hiding their underclothing barely and her shirt was a black, which seemed to match her jeans and golden chain somehow. She smiled, and said, “I’m Ruby, and you must be Elio, the bastard. Who is your friend?” I was shocked to know that a girl had known my name, and that I was a bastard, I replied with shock in my voice, “L-Luke, his name is Luke.” Luke laughed, and patted my back, he said, “Nice to meet you R…” but he got cut off my her, she said, “Can I go to train to be an assassin with you guys? Please!!!!?” I sighed, and said, “Look, Ruby, if you came back with us the kids at the camp are…Rowdy, you wouldn’t be safe there, I mean, sure, I am sure my father could make an assassin out of you…It’s just…” Ruby looked depressed now, and she said, “Oh, I see how it is, girls can’t be assassins…Alright, and I’ll just go back to Alice and the rest of the gang.” Luke quickly said, “No! We can take you back; Elio and I will make sure you are safe, right Elio?” I frowned, but said, “Yeah. But, we came here for some things, and my father would kill me if I forgot to get them.”

Once we had gotten back to the barracks, a few guys tried to touch Ruby, and Luke and I had to grab them and give them a death glare, we guarded her carefully, since most of the guys here hadn’t even seen a female in weeks, months, or even years. We brought her to my father, who moaned, but told us that if we let her sleep in the same room as Luke and I (Since we now shared a room) that she could stay, and that I would train her to be an assassin. I agreed to these terms, and Ruby shook my father’s hand, and she hurried off with us. Again we had to make sure no one got too close to her, and once we got into our room, I said, “You can have my bed; I’ll sleep on the floor.” She gave a soft smile, and said, “Thanks.” And reached and hugged me. I looked at Luke and he grinned and winked at me. I quickly pulled away, and said, “First rule Ruby, don’t let anyone get in arms reach, if they do, they will try to do sexual things to you.” She blinked, and replied, “How come you guys aren’t like that?” Luke answered that one, “Well, because we aren’t barbaric idiots like them, we care for people, and plus, they shouldn’t try anything because Elio and I are the tougher kids here.” Ruby giggled, I made a silent remark how everything she did was posed and polite, and that is when Leon and a bunch of his thugs-in-training that followed behind him burst in. I sighed, and I just whispered, “Get behind us Ruby.” She nodded and got behind us, but got ready to fight. Leon charged at me, and I pulled a knife out and stabbed him in the chest, I pulled my knife back, and said, “I warned you.” Leon backed off and said, “You better watch your back Elio.” Leon left, behind him trailed his followers. I clenched my fist and stormed out of my room. I went out to the practice dummies and began assaulting them with every technique I knew, starting from the most basic, to eventually the most advanced. Eventually Ruby came outside, and she grabbed my shoulder and spun me around, and I went to cut at her head, thinking it was Leon attacking me, and she ducked, and pushed me into a dummy, her voice cracked, and she said, “T-The second you left, they came in…And took Luke…I need your help, they’re beating him down…” I swallowed and looked at Ruby, tears welling in her eyes, I nodded and ran past her, I kicked open the door to my room, no one was there. Ruby hurried behind me and said, “They’re in the back…” Again I ran past her, pushing through the back door, there I found a bloody Luke getting beaten and slashed, my eyes flared, and I knew that either I saved Luke and killed them, or let my only friend die. I slashed my sword at the closest person to me, I cut his head clean off, I muttered, “One dead…” I stabbed at another who had noticed me, and as he fell, I let my sword go with him. I grabbed Leon’s neck and brutally snapped it, he dropped to the floor and the rest of the surviving kids backed away, I bit my lip, and bent down to Luke’s side, I felt his heart, he was dead. My eyes flickered up at the kids, they began to run, but I was an elite. I ran faster than any of the kids here, and I began to take off, but Ruby caught my arm, she pulled me back into a hug, this time it wasn’t with joy like the first time, but this time it was with sadness and despair. I could feel the tears dripping from my face, and Ruby was crying. I put my arms around her and tried to tell her it was ok, and that Luke was fine, but she knew the truth better than I. I than realized something, if Ruby hadn’t come along, Luke would still be alive, I pushed her back and she landed on her rear. I picked up my sword from the bloody body which it lay in, and I looked at her with all the hate I could possibly summon. I took a step closer, and she closed her eyes, and let one last tear fall from her face before I stabbed my sword down into her chest, I had closed my eyes too, and when I opened them I had just been stabbing the hay, Ruby put her soft but firm arm around my neck, and began to choke me. She was full out crying now, I could hear her, and feel a few tears touching the back of my neck; she whispered to me, “Elio, I killed Luke. I told them to take his instead of me, I…I’m sorry Elio, I thought he would help me, but only you could protect him…So I tried to fetch you, but he was already dead…” I ripped her arm from my throat and twisted it so that one more inch and it’d snap. She somehow countered my actions, and threw me to the ground, in the position I had gotten her in. She looked at me, and said, “I’ve always been able to kill…It was the only thing I could do…I was hired to kill you two- Luke and you…I killed Luke, but you, I couldn’t do it, I easily could have snapped your neck and ended my job…But…I liked you since we met…But I realize that I should have never have fall in love with a bastard…So now, I will end your pathetic little life.” She took out a hidden blade, and threw it at my heart, a perfect shot, and that last thing I could say, was “Die.” The second I died my exploded, rigged with explosives prepared to go off if I was to die on the mission, my father had carefully set them up, in case I failed.

My name is Elio Ayils- I am the son of Alexander Ayils, I am a Bastard. My mother is unknown to me, and I will never meet her. My first job was my last, the only person who ever loved me was the one who I was to kill, and I did my job…My closest friend, Luke, had died because I was a poor assassin, my death was untimely, and my father couldn’t have killed the son he never wanted in a more cleaver way.

Sorry for the rough ending, I got lazy towards the end so the end of the story hardly makes any sense.
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