The lucky egg~~ leave comments please!

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Kattail
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The lucky egg~~ leave comments please!

Post by Kattail »

The lucky egg
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Kara,a young beatiful magi had just been granted permission from her parents to start her quest for a creature coleaction. She was tall and thin with apple red hair and cat green eyes. She had finnaly stopped on a hill not far from the stream. She stopped to take a breath. She took the woven basket off her arm and pulled out an apple,water, and a sadwitch. She munched on it happily. Her ruby necklace shone brightly in the sunlight. Her turquoise cloak was blowing in the wind like her beatiful long hair that went down to the middle of her back. She was wearing leather boots and orange shorts with a striped tank top that was also orange. She loaded up her basket with the silk purple blanket in the bottom of the now empty basket.she ran down hill to the stream and stopped at the edge to admire all the fine eggs. She set her basket down and pulled back her fine hair. She layed down her cloak with the basket and slipped off her boots and necklace. She finnaly saw the egg of her dreams. She dove in and snatched it up. She pulled herself out of the stream and feted off the egg with her cloak. She wrapped the egg in the purple silk blanket that was in her basket. She dried her hair off and started to head off to the nearest town to find a house to live in.
A growing
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Her beatiful egg had finnaly hatched! She scratched it's soft head as he slept. I have to give him a name. she thought. Well I know he is a ArkenIan kitsune... Arya! she thought.
A MONTH AND A HALF LATER
Karin and Arya were playing in the front yard when a messenger came bounding up to them. " are you the 16 year old Karing Kinger?" he asked. " yes?" she said in return. " Thane has sent a message for you: dear Magi, I have a great feeling when I think of you. I have in mind, great things for you. But first you have to prove your self. You must embark on a treturus quest to find the golden crown of the long dead king. Be safe in your journey. Here is where you must start.
A place where you must go
Where no one shall moan
So silent in the night,
You must be to get to the
A swarm of sand and dusting pan shall sweep your worries away.
For this shall be not your last closing day.
Love, Thane


She looked at Arya then at the letter. " let's go packing." she told Arya.




TO BE CONTINUED
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I will Finnish this story if Peaple like it. I will add the link when and if I make one.
~~~
also I need someone to do a pic of Karin.
Here is Arya: Image
When he gets older I will update.
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Dauntless
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Re: The lucky egg~~ leave comments please!

Post by Dauntless »

I like the idea of it, here is some crititism....


- You have quite a few spelling errors. Such as "finnaly" which is spelt "finally." These few things are very important to a reader. They want to have correct spelling so they do not get confused during the story.

- In the very beggining you put this:
Kara,a

This is not correct grammar as there needs to be a space after the coma.

- The story seemed to use descrptive words a lot, but they were pretty common ones. Many writers realize that they need to be descriptive, but then they try to hard by putting descriptive words in places unnessicary. This may have been the same thing in your case.

- The beggining as a little short but seemed to cover so much time. Maybe you could have said what happened through that month and a half.

- I notice this with a lot of writers. Whenever you use quotation marks, you need to leave a space afterward. Example bellow:
Joe walked along the beach when Liza came into sight. She ran towards him with her arms wide open. "Liza!" Joe called as he started running toward her.
"Joe! I've missed you so much!" Liza yelled back.
Joe stared for a moment. There was a long silence until a wave crashed against the shore of the beach.
"Liza I am so happy to be with you again." Joe whispered.
I hope my crititism helped you ^_^
Image Image
it's where
mydemons hide


PLEASE! Do not call be Daunt, do not call me Less, call me Dauntless.
"What didn't kill me, never made me stronger at all."
Kattail
CreaturesTrade
Posts: 9
Joined: March 2nd, 2012, 3:38:44 pm
Gender: Female

Re: The lucky egg~~ leave comments please!

Post by Kattail »

Thanks! If i do the continuided part I'll be sure to rember thease.
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