MagiStream

Should I continue? The story is called Ice in the wind.


Chapter one
Angela jogged down the many halls of her family’s daycare business building. Her jog turned into a skip as the normal expression on her face turned to a friendly smile. Angela loved to wake up in the early morning and check on each of the little eggs in the hatchery room.
Angela came to a halt when she approached the door to the hatchery. The door wasn’t usually closed but for some reason it was today. Angela put her small hand on the door handle and twisted it to open the door.
Angela admired the beautiful colors of each egg. All the eggs were beautiful and not one looked dull to Angela. Every egg had its own unique qualities. New eggs came in every day, even some Angela had never seen. Her father told her that she should be observing the eggs and what they hatch into so she can take over the business one day.
Angela thought about taking the family daycare as her career for the future, but she wasn’t sure yet. She wanted to travel across the world instead of just living behind the mountains in the Silva Forest.
It was too early to think about Angela’s future, she had plenty of time. For now, she would watch the eggs and learn from her parents.
Angela made her way over to an egg with tiny orange spots all over. The egg was filled with these small spots. Angela loved to observe this egg mainly because of its spots. Angela loved spotted eggs and was always excited to see them in the hatchery.
Angela estimated that this spotted egg would hatch into some kind of fish. Angela kept a bowl of water nearby just in case the small hatchling inside wants to come out and needs water.
Angela felt the presence of someone in the room. She felt like she was being watched. Being watched was one of Angela’s pet peeves. She wished people would just talk to her instead of stalk her.
Angela spun around to see who had been watching her. It was a woman with curly light brown hair and glasses on. She wore a gray cooking apron with faded and ripped pants on. It was Angela’s mother. Her facial expression seemed rather unpredictable. “Angela,” her mother’s voice sounded low but gentle. “For today I would like you to start training with the little phoenix.”
Angela let out a huge sigh. She knew what phoenix she was talking about and it wasn’t a creature that was easy to train. “Mother, that phoenix is very stubborn and will always fly away when you scold at it!” Angela complained in her high pitched voice.
Her mother crossed her arms. It was a message saying ‘I am disappointed in you.’ “Angela what is this business? A daycare, we look after hatchlings and eggs and raise them. We can’t just give up when it gets tough, we would lose our business and after that our money!” Angela’s mother scowled.
Angela sneered at her mother and walked out of the room past her. “Hold on Angela,” her mother stopped her from leaving. Angela spun around to her mother. “I want you to take a basket and run into the forest. I want you to pick me some berries, you can start training with the phoenix when you get back,” Angela’s mother ordered.
Angela rolled her eyes and said “Fine,” in a begrudgingly way.
Angela jogged back down the hall. Angela didn’t mind picking berries for her mother but when she got back, the real challenge started. That stubborn phoenix was sure to fly away from her.
Angela got the memory of the phoenix out of her head. Angela continued down the hall and grabbed a basket from the front counter. She headed out the front door of the daycare.
Angela saw all the little hatchlings in the pasture. The little phoenix couldn’t be seen but she soon found it, flying around in the sky. It kept hitting into a big oak tree and falling down to the rough ground.
Angela headed back for the forest to grab the berries her mother had sent her for. She found a bunch of sweet berries such as strawberries, blueberries, raspberries, and it didn’t even stop there. Angela dropped a few into her mouth. The juice of the berries splattered around in her mouth and then she sucked the juice down her throat.
Angela realized she was getting close to the great Alarse Mountains so she thought of turning back. The memories of the phoenix returned, so she decided she wouldn’t turn back just yet.
Angela noticed that the temperature was dropping the closer she got to the mountains. It wasn’t normal for the temperature to have such a dramatic change all the sudden. Angela remembered hearing a story from her grandma about something like this. If a certain creature is close around, the temperature could drop, but of course that was a fairy tale.
Angela covered herself with her arms as she shivered. Angela was about to turn around until she saw it.
In the distance of a small cavern along the mountain, was a creature Angela had never seen before. The creature looked a lot like a horse but a long horn stuck out on its fore head. The color of frost was the color of the fur. Its mane was pure soft white snow. The horse slowly opened its eyes and saw Angela. Angela stepped closer. It was a Frost Unicorn.

YES, you should DEFINITELY continue!

YES! CONTINUE PLEASE!

Thanks for the comments, although you may have to wait a while for the next chapter.

Nice, lots of details. I would suggest you play around with sentence length, though; at first, it seems a little disjointed. Angela this, Angela that. Perhaps try to combine sentences?

But I'm liking the story line

Thank you for all the comments! I have started the next part and it should be up either tomorow or the next day.

Two things: first, please double space your paragraphs. Walls of text are almost impossible to read on a screen. You want to make your stories as easy and accessible to your readers as possible.

Second, look at how your paragraphs are structured. They all start with "Angela action", which gets a bit tired after awhile. Try mixing it up a bit more.

I'm afraid I can't read it without the double spacing, but if you want to continue it, you should.

If I may....

Without double spacing between paragraphs at least, it's very difficult to read. You don't want to give your readers a headache!

Secondarily, it reads like someone's primer. I would suggest reading aloud or having someone read your work back to you. Most of the sentences begin with "Angela [did something]". You've already established the character, now show your readers what's going on instead of telling them. Try varying the sentences or combining them to see what you get.

I would also suggest picking a story and sticking with it. I know as a new or young writer that ideas flood your head but working on one at a time will help you develop your skills. Get a notebook or open a file on the computer for the rest so you can note them and save them for later.