Here is the rewrite.
One summer day in the kingdom of Magistream, all of village folks were lined up to serve Master Drayden. Every month all the village folks would bring something to Drayden whose location was at the place that watched down on the entire village.
This day was a different day though. One of the village folks had brought nothing for the Drayden. The line moved quickly and the young boy who hadn’t brought anything for Drayden got more nervous each time he took a step closer to the palace.
Inside the palace Thane sat in a large cushioned chair that represented that he was the king. A large table full of gifts lay in front of the chair.
A woman walked up stairs that led to the room where Drayden sat in his large seat. “Master Drayden, I have done my finest work to gift you this loaf of warm bread. Do you find my gift worthy for a king?” The women asked as she knelt holding a loaf of bread in her hands up high. The loaf of bread baked to a beautiful crisp. The bread sizzled with its warmness.
Drayden nodded to the women and didn’t speak. The women walked toward the table and gently lay the bread onto it. She walked back down the stairs in relief of her gift being worthy to Master Drayden.
After the women was out of site, a boy with short caramel hair and long bangs appeared in the room with his hands empty. “Master Drayden, I confess to my king that I have no gift for you.”
Thane looked closely at the boy and then settled back into the comfort of his chair. “Young boy, you have disappointed me. Guards, take this boy to the dungeon,” Drayden ordered as he snapped his fingers.
Two guards that had looked like statues that stood beside Drayden’s chair ran toward the boy. The guards grabbed the boy quickly so we wouldn’t escape. They held him tightly so he wouldn’t budge and get the chance to run, but the boy knew that there was no chance of ever getting away. They would always search and they would always find him.
“Master Drayden!” a voice yelled from the stairs. A man in the same green robes as Thane walked from the stairs.
Drayden looked away from the boy and to the man. “Carison, what are you doing here?” Drayden asked the man who appeared to be Master Carison. Drayden sounded angry with Carison for interrupting him.
“I am sorry to interrupt you Master Drayden but I have yet to inform you that we are in need of an apprentice,” Master Carison replied as he knelt a distance away from the two guards and the boy.
Drayden looked at the boy and then back at Master Carison. “An apprentice for what?”
Master Carison looked up at Drayden. “An egg apprentice. I am afraid that you are lacking rare creatures,” Master Carison had gone from talking loudly to muttering under his breath.
“What’s an egg apprentice?” the boy who had been captured by the guards asked. The guards squeezed him tighter.
“You stay out of this!” Drayden started to yell but then it seemed like he had calmed down. It wasn’t like Thane to be yelling from the top of his lungs.
“Wait a minute Master Thane,” Belmos started as he stood up from kneeling. “Maybe this boy could be your egg apprentice,” Carison suggested.
Drayden looked directly at the boy and stood up from his chair. “Young man, what is your name?” Drayden asked the boy.
“M-my name is Damien” the boy responded. The guards let him loose a little but still holding him tight.
“Well then Damien, as you have not brought me, Master Drayden, any gift, you shall become an egg apprentice,” Drayden told Damien. “It will be your responsibility to go out into the world and bring me back rare eggs for my keep. Either that or you will be thrown into the dungeon for decades. Do you accept being my egg apprentice?” Drayden asked the boy. It sounded like Thane was making an announcement to the entire village.
Damien gulped. “I accept.”
Chapter one- Zayden
Damien slept in the cold dungeon that night. He had no sheets or pillow, just a bench to lie on. Damien was excited to be Drayden’s egg apprentice because he wanted no part in lying there every night.
The dungeon got warmer and morning approached. Footsteps were heard outside of the dungeon and they got closer. Damien was getting a little scared but once the figure got closer it was easier to visualize who it was. It was the guard.
“You’re free to go, for now,” the guard told Damien as he pushed the door to Damien’s cell open.
Damien stood up for the bench and nodded at the man. He started to walk out of the cell but once he was out he speeded his pace a little. Damien must have been walking a little too fast because he bumped into another boy.
“Oh I’m sorry,” Damien said feeling guilty.
“Don’t worry about it. I’m sure any prisoner who just came out of the dungeon would be in a hurry,” The boy responded.
Damien looked down at his feet feeling a little embarrassed. “I’m Damien.”
“Zayden,” The boy said as he put a hand out.
Damien reached his hand out to shake Zayden’s. “So what are you doing wandering around the palace?” Damien asked.
Zayden sighed. “I get that a lot,” Tristan responded. “But to tell you the truth, Drayden is my grandfather.”
Damien’s eyes widened. He was speaking with Drayden’s grandson! “Wow you’re kidding!”
Zayden shrugged. “It’s not all that you’d think. It’s a lot of work to have the same expectations as a king does,” Zayden started. He seemed like he wanted to get off the topic. “What about you, why were you in the dungeon?”
Damien looked down at the ground again. “I forgot to bring Master Drayden a gift, and so I was forced to be his Egg Apprentice or go to the dungeon. They kept me in the dungeon last night so I wouldn’t run away,” Damien explained.
Zayden crossed his arms. “You forgot to get Thane a gift?” Zayden asked.
Damien looked back up at Zayden. “Look Zayden, it was nice talking with you but I better go up into the palace to meet Master Carison. He will give me my first task,” Damien just wanted an excuse to not answer Zayden.
Zayden seemed surprised. “Well, bye I guess,” Zayden said as he waved goodbye.
Damien waved back as he ran away till he was out of Zayden’s site. Zayden seemed nice. Damien wondered why Zayden didn’t seem to care about being Drayden’s grandson.
Damien continued walking up the steps of the palace until he entered a large room. The room had pictures of creatures everywhere! Puvias, Phoenixes, gryphons, etc. Even some Damien had never seen.
A man stood faced toward Damien but Damien hadn’t seemed to notice. “Ahem,” The man cleared his throat. It was Master Carison. “It is now time for your first task as being an Egg Apprentice.”
@TxCat: Do you think this is better for the characters sake?