MagiStream

Ok so it all started back last year.

I had grown closer to one of my friends (let’s call him J) and started hanging out with him. Another friend (T) was one of my better friends too. There was also a girl (P) who I was on semi-good terms with. All was generally good.

Then for some reason I don’t know P started hating me. I don’t know why, but I have a theory.

You see, P was obsessed with T. Now creepy stalker way (as far as I know) but still obsessed. P would go to social events with T only, she would have to sit next to T and have to talk to them all the time. I think P somehow became jealous of me because I was in a lot of T’s classes and she wasn’t.

(Keep in mind that it’s only a theory)

Now,,, T and I had a falling out. I had a major crush on them, but they started to ignore me (when something like that happens your brain releases the same chemicals as when you’re stabbed) and that... It made me feel ugly and horrible and just plain disgusting.

So I didn’t talk about it with anyone but J. I kept it inside and never let T know what they did to me. I ended up crying a bunch and left my own graduation party early.

Recently T and I reconnected. I explained what I felt and T sorta forgave me and I forgave them. But P didn’t know and hated me even more.

Another thing before I continue- I like to banter. In my opinion a true friend is someone who you can insult jokingly and they do the same. That’s like a mandatory retirement for a significant other for me.

So when I hang out with T (P shows no signs of her hate for me) I call them a failure. I call P a failure. I call everyone failures - it’s just harmless banter. But then P contacts J and tells him that I’m being horrid to T and P.

I suddenly received a txt today in English about the matter. J asks me why I’m being horrible and I answered back

“I am trying to be friends with T again. As far as I know I've done nothing to offend T. P is being a huge *ss to me, and if I don't stand up for myself I'm gonna start believing her and end up hating myself more than I do now. I can't afford to be a doormat- if she's intent on insulting me in a non-friendly, bantering way then I'm just gonna have to defend myself. If I'm an *sshole she's ten times the *sshole I am.”

I haven’t heard back from J & I don’t wanna loose our friendship. I also don’t wanna loose T’s but pretty much wherever T is P is there too.

I tried explaining myself but P just wouldn’t listen.

I don’t know what do do, or where to turn. My confidant was J- now I have nobody.

All I know is that P is standing in the way of me and a possible future where I don’t hate myself or want to die. I deserve to be happy, I just don’t know how to tell P that.

Any advice?

I'm not good with relationships of any kind (I have just a few friends and I've never been with someone) but I'd like to help you as much as I can.
From what I've read, both you and P have a crush on T, so P started hating you because she saw you as an obstacle. My theory is that she felt threatened by your presence and friendship with T and so she started hating you and treating you bad.
It's something I've seen a lot between friends, like I see you are close to a person I like, either as a love interest or as a friend, and I start being  jealous (or envious? Never got the difference) of your relationship. It's not something rational. Just, I'm afraid you're going to steal my friend/crush so I hate you without an apparent reason.
I'm not sure how to resolve the problem, though if I were you I'd try to talk with P alone (the her to a chair if it's necessary and won't talk to you otherwise), ask her why she's behaving this way and tell her that you want to be friend with her. If she's not interested then she's not worth you time, you can do waaay better than her. (She is behaving like a b*tch, I'll give you that, so give her just one chance to explain herself, I think everyone deserves a second chance).
For the story with J, I also thing that talking it out face to face would be the best solution. You did explain him that bantering is natural to you and I totally get you, me and my (male) best friend's friendship is based on insults and flirting, and he's been my to-go person for years (and he also taught me English, so ny mistakes are his fault), he's like a brother to me but sometimes, when we've been apart for a while and see each other and he start insulting me or what I do (like my choice of university, as if he's doing something better or more prestigious), even if I know he's just joking, well, sometimes it hurts. It's like I have to build an armor when he's around because it can be really hard not to take his jokes as real insults (I've always had a really low self-esteem) and the armor helps me protect myself, it's a box to keep lock all my insecurities so the won't grow with each joke.
You have to think about how others will react to the words you say. I know you're not serious when you say that things, and others know too but sometimes the barriers you built around yourself can have some cracks and words can be hurtful. Even if you don't mean them. Change prospective, put yourself in others' shoes.
Then, when you are aware of the way your friends will react to your jokes, go talk to J and to T. Explain yourself, say sorry to them. Sometimes you just have to say sorry and promise to make some changes.
I'm absolutely not telling you to stop with your banter, that would be like asking you to change who you are (never do that). Just, when you banter, joke or stuff say at the end "Just kidding, I don't think you are". It will make things easier.
But now I'm just rambling. Back to the main point, my advise is go talk to them. If things go wrong with P, leave her alone, she'll regret not being friends with you. With T and J, try so be honest with them. I know it's hard, and I'll tell you it's not something you'll feel comfortable with, especially at the beginning, but if you really want to be friends/more with them then you'll have to be ready to do some sacrifices.
Just remember, if everything goes wrong, if no one of them is willing to 'forgive' you or to mend things with you, then you don't need them. You'll find someone who's willing to accept every part of you.
Remember, ad maiora nati sumus (it means 'We are born for greater things' but its Latin so it sounds cooler).

Thank you so much

I’ll try to talk to them

I'm not sure if you've already spoken to your friends and how things are going for you, but I totally agree with Gjenganger. I'm the type of person whose self confidence is practically nonexistent, and even when people are supposedly 'joking' when they make fun of me, it still hurts me. On the surface I might laugh, but deep down I have no idea if they're telling the truth or not. Even if they say they're kidding, some part of me thinks they're lying, and that their harsh words are true, and they're lying when they say 'just kidding'.

You need to find out what makes your friends comfortable and uncomfortable. If your friends are anything like me and they just can't do the 'friendly banter' thing, then maybe respect their boundaries and don't do that around them. If that's a big part of you, then don't stop doing it altogether - but it would be a good idea to find someone who feels the same way you do; someone who can banter and joke around with you without taking your friendly insults to heart.

So, at the end of the day, be honest with them and tell them you still want to be friends, but I also think it's a good idea to ask them what they're comfortable with. Be blunt and say you like to joke and banter, but in a friendly way, and you don't mean it. If they still can't handle that, then either find new friends or tone it down around them. These kinds of situations are difficult, and I think in the end, it's up to you to decide what's best.

If they still refuse to talk with you after ShadowofthePheonix, text them, so they will eventually have to read it, and explain everything. Maybe- I dunno- say to them what you said here. You blame yourself in what you said, you say what you feel, you tell them what you think happened. I like to banter as well, and I say JK or sorry right after. I also complement them. Time should do the trick, with a few texts from you here or there. This is a really short post compared to the one above me, sorry!