MagiStream

I know nobody will ever see this. It really is what it is and I don’t expect anyone to see this, but this is my confession. I’m too scared to say this to my family, I don’t want them to worry, but here goes.

I hate myself. No, more than that I loathe myself. I try to be a good respectful kid, I’m especially kind to animals and I try really hard, but I just can’t see myself as anything but worthless. I can’t look myself in the mirror. I don’t care much about what I look like, I’ve never worn makeup on my own accord in my life, and I eat how I want, but I just can’t stand myself. I’m not overweight or anything, I’m a healthy weight relative to my height. But this isn’t the true confession I have to make, it’s only part of it.

Every day, I try to be happy. Every day, I try to make the best of life. But every day I fail, again and again and I end up feeling worse and worse until I can’t wait to sleep. I’m afraid, I’m so afraid. I don’t want to think of the future, because I’m afraid of watching my loved ones die off, one by one, until I’m left by myself. I’d rather die young that suffer that. Im afraid to talk to people. I can’t even make a single noise in a room of adults, even in they acknowledge me. I’m afraid I’ll never amount to anything. I’ll die just a face in the crowd, never having contributed anything to society, a face that will be forgotten. I’m afraid I’m worthless, afraid that my life will fall apart and I won’t wont be able to fix it. I don’t want to grow up, I’m afraid of the responsibility. If something was to happen, who would be there for me? I’m afraid that I’m selfish. There are kids out there with worse problem s than me and that I have friends who have felt with worse things than I have, and that makes me feel worse; that im complaining when there are people with worse problems than me.

Summer is especially worse for me me, as it’s when this all started a few years back. THen my parents began to fight and soon later were close to divorcing. I feel guilty and angry at them, and that’s makes me feel worse. My parents fought not too long ago, but something else happened. Usually when my parents do this, i hurt myself. Not enough to draw blood, but enough to make my arms red and sore. This time, I cut myself deep enough to draw blood. My brother knows, but we’ve hidden it from our parents. They saw me grab the knife though, before going into the bathroom. I lied to my mom about the scratches later at my younger sisters birthday party, saying our dog scratched them up. It made me feel worse. Sometimes I wish i could kill myself, even admit to my parents about how I feel. But my dad is a man who thinks depression is just a phase everyone’s goes through and that’s it doesnt matter, and that it’s a matter a matter being thankful.

I don’t care if people see this, I know I’ll never truly matter.

If you really did not care you would not have posted this.

To me it sounds like you could do with some professional help. Your father is sadly wrong, depression is not a phase nor is self-harm to be taken lightly. Maybe you have a school councilor you can trust?

BradTheMad wrote:If you really did not care you would not have posted this.

To me it sounds like you could do with some professional help. Your father is sadly wrong, depression is not a phase nor is self-harm to be taken lightly. Maybe you have a school councilor you can trust?

What I would give to know someone I could truly trust. I’ve never been to a therapist in my life, and it’s hard for me to talk to people. I would like to talk to someone, but my dad wouldn’t allow it. He believes everything comes down to diet, taking your vitamins, and controlling what you think. Problem is, I’ve tried, but it always comes back.

Don't know what country you're from but most have special helplines just for these issues. There are trained people you could talk to, no strings attached without your dad ever finding out.
Seek out helplines if there isn't anyone near you physically.

You do matter.

First off, I agree with BradTheMad that seeing a professional would be a huge help. But I know that it's not always easy, possible or affordable to get that kind of help. My mother also felt that depression was a phase (she was sympathetic, but old fashioned in her views on mental health), so I never got the help I needed as a teen. It wasn't until I was an adult that I started getting treatment and to be honest, it's still tough, but it helps. It's always been hard for me to talk to people, too. I never tried speaking to a school counselor for the same reasons you haven't, and I regret it. It could have made a difference.

When I was a teen, I went through a lot of what you're dealing with. Self-loathing, fear of the future, fear of my loved ones dying, fear of responsibility, parents who fought constantly, etc. The fear and concern is normal, honestly. The problem is that it's dominating your thoughts and harming you psychologically, which is another reason to try talking to someone. Depression lies to us - it tells you that you don't matter, that you aren't good enough or that you're not a good person for feeling the way you do. None of this is true.

Please don't make the mistake I did - consider talking to a counselor or calling a helpline. I know you won't trust them at first, but it's worth giving them a chance and seeing if they can help. Over time, they may earn your trust. The more you talk, the easier it might become. Sometimes it's just good to get an outside perspective because it's easy to get lost and trapped in our negative thoughts and feelings. It's like you get stuck in an echo chamber of depression, and it keeps feeding itself while draining you. Like you, I also self-harmed because I didn't know how else to cope with the overwhelming stress and negative emotions.

Just because there are people out there who are also dealing with tough circumstances does not mean your situation is any less valid. What you feel is valid. You do matter. It's okay to vent and complain, it's healthier than bottling it up. I know from experience. It's also okay and normal to be selfish - everyone is, to some degree. It's part of being human.

Have you considered doing some volunteer work? Something that helped me when I was in high school was volunteering at the local animal shelter - animals are cute, you get to help them, you'll be around people who might bring some positivity into your life, and it may help pull you out of the vicious cycle of thoughts you've been dealing with. Helping others often helps ourselves. Homeless shelters, animal rescues/shelters, Habitat for Humanity, etc pretty much always need helping hands and you'd definitely make a difference.

I'm sorry you're in so much pain, but I do believe it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it won't always be like this. If you need someone to talk to, please feel free to PM me.

Hi there I hope u find the right kind of help u are searching for just hang in there, maybe one day u will find your way of being happy again.

I understand how hard it must be with your parents arguing and fighting all u can do is support them and let them fix up any resolving issues and it will work out for the best u could explain to to them that u just dont fell happy on self a heart to heart might be the thing u need.

hope it gets better for you soon

edit: removed

Some personal anecdotes below, as my parents also did not get along, and my father didn't believe in depression. Feel free to skip to the last paragraph if it is too long or not relevant!

Hello there, and thank you for taking the time to post. It may not matter to you, but there are people out here who do care, even if we can't see your face. I have also dealt with the endless-seeming depths of depression, and some days it still seems like I'll never surface. Yet there are days now, that even after dealing with so many unforgiving situations, that I feel some amount of joy. What changed?

Just two years ago, my parents were still together. It was horrible when they fought, but the uneasy ill-at-ease "peace" could be even more terrifying. One volcano building for an eruption, and another so far checked-out that the house could catch fire, and she may not even notice. In my situation, I continuously ran in front of the volcano to protect her.

In any situation, whether it be undeserved fury, physical abuse, neglect, or otherwise: it has the opportunity to pass. In time, you can move on to wherever you want, and there's not a thing they would be able to do about it. This is not to say that you have to cut ties, but your life will be your own, and you will be able to make time (or not) for them when you wish.

As it is now, I hope that you can seek out someone to talk to about these issues. My dad did not believe depression existed. He would furiously proclaim his superiority, how he was "perfectly fine", if my mother suggested family counseling.

However, counseling did not actually happen until after we left. The "free" facility we visited while still "united" as a family would not offer this sort of help. They would instead jump straight to hospitalization, due to lack of funding. What did help was looking up online resources. This led to reading about similar situations from other people, dong a bit of research on the abusive tactics that were taking place, and responding to them more appropriately. Eventually, I was able to show my mother this evidence of what we were going through. It took a few months, but after reading with me, she realized that she was suffering just as much through neglect/infidelity as I was through physical/emotional abuse, and we left the situation together.

We moved, with ~$400 to our names, to a state which covered mental health thru Medicaid.

An extremely important step, if you find help, is to make sure the counselor/therapist is someone you can open up to. Have someone you already know and trust in the room at first, if it will make you more comfortable. Feel them out. If they refuse to allow someone else to "sit in" on the first visits (even hypothetically), this can be a very negative sign. If the person is not compatible, (some counselors are better with some patients than others), ask to see another. If they ask why, you do NOT have to give an answer, it is completely optional.

When you are able to spill your guts to someone who truly listens, it can finally, finally set your mind at ease, at least for a while. A good counselor can teach you tactics to deal with any rage, shame, guilt, or other feelings that may crop up. And, eventually, prevent them from becoming a problem in the first place. The counselor can also set up another appointment to see if medication was necessary - and in some cases it very much is!

Some trauma can take years to move past. I still deal regularly with anxiety, CPTSD, and depression. I cannot say that things will ever improve 100%, or that these problems will ever go away. However, each day can be easier to deal with, with time.

[Skip to the last paragraph, if you like. This is just the outcome of the situation above. In short: not perfect, but always improving.]
We are thankfully no longer near the toxic family member who had planted the seeds for so many repetitive negative self-thoughts. After seeking further help, my mother became almost a different person. She finally realized the extent to which we were both being abused. At the same time, I finally feel that there is a purpose for me in the world, even if it is just caring for her in her old age.

I hope that you can find some hope and support, and find some peace. It is a very difficult situation you are in. Yes, there are worse. There is ALWAYS a worse situation. But what matters is that there IS hurt happening here, and everyone is worthy of being heard and helped, if they wish it so. If you did not wish it, you would not have posted here, and that shows that somewhere inside you, there is a fighting spirit that can persevere.