MagiStream

When I was 16, I was diagnosed with Borderline. I ignored it, didn't believe it, didn't want to accept it.
It wasn't until I was 25, and was having trouble with my life that it finally clicked.

I was a mother of a son, married, and in deep trouble with myself. Couldn't hold down a job, suicide attempts, severe depression, mood swings, bouts of aggression (never physical thank god), no impulse control (I had many projects, usually involving animals), never having enough cash for my projects so I even started to commit tax fraud (not proud of that!).
And then it all came crashing down, I was even committed to a mental hospital for a few days. That's when I truly started to think about myself.
Borderline, in the media it's often portrayed as some mental illness which makes people commit big crimes, or murders. So it scared me. Was I a bad person?

I started therapy 2 years after my breakdown, something called Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. I had been on the waiting list for 2 years so I was ready to go.
First they explain what Borderline truly is, and I really want to share that with you.

Borderline is like a black Rose. Instead of being born with it, it needs several circumstances to develop and grow.
First is genetic disposition, being born with something that's called hypersensitivity.
See it like this, when a "normal" person steps in dog poop on a side walk, they get frustrated, a bit angry even. But they scrape it off and go on. The frustration quickly dissipates and they go on with their day.
With somebody with hypersensitivity they step in the poo, get frustrated and angry but on a whole other level. It's more intense, and takes a lot longer to calm them down.
A hypersensitive person feel emotion quicker, intenser and longer than other people. And are unable to handle social rejection well.
If a child is born with hypersensitivity, they have a change of developing Borderline in later stages of their lives. And it all has to do with circumstances.

If a child with hypersensitivity is nurtured, loved and understood by their parents, they can grow up to be perfectly capable people.
If, however, the child is not...they can develop Borderline personality disorder.
People with Borderline have, in almost all cases, had bad childhoods. The parents ignore their child's emotions, telling them to "toughed up", "act normal", "don't be such a baby". And those are just some of the less colorful ones. I remember being told that I was worthless, stupid, ugly, a liar (which I wasn't), a baby, unwanted, etc etc.
Eventually, the voices of your parents become the voices in your head. No matter what you do, it's never "good enough". You're always a failure.
A Borderliner was never taught how to handle their emotions, how to respond to them, they were always told that their emotions were not valid, not allowed to be.
And that's how Borderline develops.

Borderliners usually possesses a naturally heightened awareness of social connection between people. This means they can easily read the dynamics between individuals and can sense social rejection and social acceptance simply from reading the nuances of body language, intonation and choice of words.
They are too sensitive to handle anything other than positive treatment from others. They fear disapproval so much they read it into situations where it does not exist. Their minds plays tricks on them, always thinking about the worst possible outcome.

Many people with Borderline have learned over the years to "self medicate", find their own way to calm the emotions, without actually confronting them/letting them be. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, shopping, cheating, self harm. Are all things that help emotions on the short term, but not long term. Because that's how they were taught.

As a Borderliner, you feel as if the world is against you, that nobody understands you (you don't even understand yourself at times), that you're not worthy of your life. You feel ashamed of your actions, yet feel powerless to stop them. You have friends, and them you loose them quickly, because they can't deal with you.

But after 2 years of intensive therapy I can say that I'm doing great. After 13 years of depression, I've been depression free for 7 years now. I'm happy, I have a husband, 2 children and a good life. I've found that I'm compassionate, understanding, a good listener, loving and kind. I've found that I can relate to a lot of people.
I'm still, and will always be a Borderliner. But I function at a "normal" level. I'm still hurt easily, but I'm able to overcome it quickly.

I hope this post helps somebody who's struggling to seek help, or to help somebody understand Borderline better.