MothballMilkshake wrote:I think language also plays a huge part in how we see sex - especially with somebody you're involved with. Even your earlier post, Shadowfang, mentioned you felt guilty for not 'giving it' to him, which is a really common thing to hear in society at large - that sex is something women 'give', not 'enjoy' or 'participate in' - just something they produce/supply with no attachment to it themselves.
Any thoughts on that?
Yeah. I've noticed this too in tv and everything. It's always the guy that wants sex and the woman is like "Fine, lets get this over with". It's like sex is charity work. Either that or sex is used by the woman to manipulate her partner into doing something. "Hm... if I give him sex, he'll be happy and then I can have a puppy or a bag or get him to clean the garage or whatever"
It seems to emphasise the roles of men as penises and women as manipulators. At the same time, it means that women can't enjoy sex so why would they ever want to rape a man? So if men get raped it's all "no! can't be. Women don't like sex and men do, how could rape happen?" and if women get raped it's like "Well, you must have been asking for it. You know how men are. Why would you ever do/wear/etc. such a thing?".
And any woman who does enjoy sex is a slut or easy while men get cheered on because omg they managed to have sex with soooo many women and we know women don't like sex.
</rant>
xD
It affects me some... I apologise to K when I am aroused and he is not because even though I know it isn't true, I feel like I am wrong for wanting sex more than my male partner does. It's not how females 'should' be.
One thing that bothers me a lot... "So when did you lose your virginity?" Sorry, no. I wasn't hoarding it and I didn't lose it. I got rid of it. I deliberately threw it away to enjoy a very fun aspect of life.
(of course, the other thing that bothers me is how sex is entirely off the table till you're married... then it's perfectly fine for every relative to ask you about your sex life under the guise of omg babies)
Working on getting back into things after a forced hiatus. LTS: Shards at 50k each.
@TxCat: Really? I live in Florida, and I had no idea. I really need to brush up on law, though I can't honestly say I was using the legal definition, just what, to me personally, falls under harassment/assault. That makes me a little sad, too, thinking that in my own state, partnership=Blanket consent.
@GrowlingCupcake: I know what you mean. My partner is actually a little less experienced than I am, and I seem to want to engage sexually more than he does. (That, or I more openly express my desires) And I always apologize when I do, as though it's some unnatural humanly function to be aroused. I never peruse it if he's not into it, but I get called a whole slew of awful names because I'm sexually active, and sexually open.
I always believe in using the correct terms when talking about sex, or anything of that nature. To many of my friends use euphemisms, or silly, childish phrases to describe something entirely natural, as though it's taboo. Though I have gotten a few of my friends to be more open about their sexuality, desires, and hopes for future relationships, which I think is an amazing thing.
Question, though, to anybody who will care to answer. Don't go into detail on the subject itself, just your thoughts on it:How do you feel about BDSM? I know a lot of the time, people compare it to rape and abuse, so I'd like to know my fellow Magis stance on it.
K is way more experienced than I am, he just wants sex less xD Mind you, that could be because I am not as 'good' as it. I'm not attempting to belittle myself here. He's my first sexual partner and while I don't doubt he enjoys it, I know it's not to the same extent I enjoy it. Usually when I apologise he just tells me I am being silly and that there is nothing wrong with me for it. But I still feel like I am in the wrong.
Apart from him, few people know about my sex life so I don't really get called any names. Though, often when I bring up being polyamorous, there are some... ugly connotations attached. I usually only get called names when I tell them I am not interested in them. Then I get to be a slut or a whore! Because, yes. Turning down sex makes you a slut/whore.
Is it your partner who calls you names?
I never really understood euphemisms. Some of them are cute and I'll use them in casual/joking sort of way but the actual terms used are perfectly fine so I rarely use euphemisms. But again, I rarely discuss my sex life. Usually when I am using them, it's something along the lines of a joke or funny/good natured insult. Or just giggling with my sister because we said an everyday word that is also a sex act. I don't want to give examples in case xD
With BDSM... I am part of the 'community'. I do not currently have a partner, though.
Some people use the term to hide actual abuse/rape. But for the most part, real BDSM has little to do with either. It's based on consent and limits and the submissive/bottom/slave/etc. does have the ability to stop things, to set limits, etc. A dominant is going to take into account how their submissive feels and is supposed to ensure their wellbeing, both physical and mental. At the same time, a submissive is supposed to ensure they voice concerns, limitations, etc. Trust is an important component. In a good, functional BDSM relationship (which most people who practice BDSM have or are working towards), there isn't abuse or rape. There might be forceful sex or being hit, etc. but it's been consented to.
That said, it's very much a grey area with the law, which is also why I am not willing to have a partner unless I feel I can trust them entirely.
Working on getting back into things after a forced hiatus. LTS: Shards at 50k each.
I'm not sure if it would be considered sexual harrassment or no (though going by TxCat's definition I guess it is), but I was in a long distance relationship with a guy once. (We were together for like 2 years, I only left him a few months ago) He was very kind and supportive and everything, but he was really sexually attracted to me, like really, and sometimes when we talked on Skype he would ask me to do things like opening my shirt or to just be in my underwear; and even if I told him no, he would be pushy about it, saying : "Can't you do it just a little?" and "Can we just try it?"
I never gave in though, because I'm sex-repulsed and those kinds of things are things I'll never do, even under torture or something idk; but yeah, it made me extremely uncomfortable and it annoyed me that he wouldn't take no for an answer, until he realized I wouldn't give in no matter what.
So idk, would what he did considered sexual harrassment? He did it quite a few times in the 2 years we were together.
(also I would like to add that he wasn't a pedophile or something similar; yeah I know "you can't trust everyone on the internets" but me and other people knew this guy well and everything, so yeah he wasn't a creepy old dude; just really attracted to me)
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I would say that is sexual harassment, and that sounds absolutely awful I'm sorry you had to go through that.
@Growlingcupcake: Same here. I'm a submissive, though I do have a dominant. I'm very into the community, but I'm afraid to tell most of my real life friends about it, because I know they'd look at me oddly.
My partner was actually under the assumption that BDSM was rape, and never really found any attraction in it until he tried it with me. He's fascinated by the fact that, on the outside, it appears the dominant is the leader, the one who calls the shots, but really, it's the submissive who's in control. I think though, that a lot of the methods used in BDSM to state if you're liking something or not (Like the Red-Light, Yellow-Light, Green-Light game, or safewords) Would be set up, even among people who do not participate in BDSM, to set clear cut boundaries on what they enjoy, are willing to stand, and what they will not accept.
I think I'll just jump into this thread by filling this out. ^^
What are your thoughts on sex crimes themselves?
Personally I have a bit of a biased view because I've gone through abuse myself. I find them very abhorrent almost to the point of thinking death would be better. I've gotten through a lot of this. I still find them horrible, but it's definitely not worse than death.
Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively?
Absolutely not. Rape is not about how you look, it's about victimization and dominance. Honestly it's rarely for sexual thrill, from what I've read. If you look like an easy target for a particularly sick person, no matter how you look or what you do, they will try to assault you. I do believe common sense should be used as well. One should not place themselves into situations where any assault is more likely than an every day situation. But even if they did, it's still not the victims fault. Because, after all, if they asked for it legitimately it wouldn't be rape. Now would it?
What is consent to you?
When all party's involved have a sound mind and are old enough to understand consequences, then consent can be reached. I do honestly believe one should be at least eighteen because that is when their brain and hormones are beginning to settle. Not to mention adults have more understanding and tools for the critical thinking it takes to give full consent.
Have you ever experienced sex crimes?
Yes I have.
How do you think society's portrayal of sex crimes hinders or helps us?
I believe the extreme outrage that comes with a sexual crime can inspire a bit of an over reaction on multiple levels. I hate when people turn immediately and say a rapist should be tortured, maimed, brutally killed or done in the same manner. That solves nothing. The only thing it does is shows how quickly those people can turn to animals as well. It's disgusting. Also shaming the victim by saying they asked for it is completely uncalled for. I personally cannot stand how women use sex crimes to live in fear or label all men as evil or cruel. I used to do that, but I learned and find no excuse for the behavior. However previous survivors living in fear is normal anxiety from trauma and should be worked on so they can move past it.
A last thing I hate is how people say women cannot rape men and men cannot be raped by women. It's completely ridiculous and furthers the horrendous stereotype that all men want sex constantly. No, men are human beings with goals and a life like everyone else.
What would help is increased education for both boys and girls. Teach people common sense, what situations to look out for. Teach teens about sex and give them reasons why rape is horrible and the consequences. Explain it to them and answer their questions. Don't try to shove it under a rug and pretend it doesn't exist.
Do you think the media plays a role in all of this?
I honestly don't know. Media could affect one abusers mind but not another. I really don't care for blaming media, bands, movies or anything like that for the actions of a twisted mind.
Do you believe men can be a victim of sex crimes too?
Absolutely. I know several men who are survivors of sexual abuse from same and opposite sex aggressors. I believe people don't know about men being abused so much because men simply don't report it. In this society men are supposed to love sex and suck up whatever makes them feel emotion. Yes, that includes happiness or love. If a man loves a woman too much, he's whipped. If he cries, he's a sissy. If he talks or acknowledges that he has feelings, he's bullied. Not by strangers, but by his friends. This isn't the case with everyone, but it's something that society pushes on men at a very young age. One of the friends I have who was raped by a woman was literally laughed at when he tried to tell his ex best friend and his very own sister. They laughed in his face and told him he was lying, that he wanted it and he should be happy that it happened. That is disgusting to me.
Have sex crimes affected you or loved ones?
Yes. Very closely, in fact. My mother, my grandmother, my aunt and more than ten of my close friends. Of course it has affected me as well. We all dealt with it differently and all had very different experiences. We're all survivors of abuse and we're functioning. Thankfully my views and beliefs aren't twisted any more. I can forgive and understand at a whole new capacity now.
I also have someone in my family who was imprisoned for a sexual crime. I don't believe this makes me biased because I have never met the man in my life. I only recently heard about him in the middle of last year. I intend to write him. I hope he has gotten the help he needs while incarcerated and he has learned from his mistakes. I also believe he deserves to know of the passing of his sister, my mother. It is also worth noting that this man endured years of sexual abuse by his father, just like his two sisters. He was a tormented man who was warped. He needed help.
The people who abuse are people, too. What was done to them is not a justification or even a reason, but it's no doubt it played a factor in their circumstance. They should also be punised accordingly and recieve the help they need. I'm also not trying to justify anything. It's fine to be angry at them, to be disgusted. But I think when people seek to harm or wish the same destruction on them, I believe they should be disgusted with themselves for wishing that on another being.
Do they leave harmful and lasting affects?
Completely and totally. My mother and aunt have severe PTSD and bipolar from their fathers abuse. I struggled with horrible anxiety, flashbacks, panic attacks and a horribly warped view that only made me full of hatred and resentment. Not to mention it takes a huge toll on your self esteem, you feel guilty beyond compare even if you rationally know it wasn't your fault. It definitely stays with you, even after you overcome it.
Do you think there's a way to stop sex crimes?
Education and not treating sex like a bad or disgusting subject or act. I believe there is a lack of morality lesson on sex because so many people just teach safety and leave it at that. They teach how not to get someone pregnant or get a disease over consent. That is a serious problem.
Any other thoughts?
I think I pretty much laid it all out. If I think of something, I'll edit this and add it here.
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All I can say is that it's not okay to sexually harass or rape anyone. If you're drunk, then you should have the sense to move away before you violate someone. Also, sexual harassment isn't a good joke. I have no clue how many times I've heard someone say "Dayum, that person is so hot, I want to **** them up in the "private part" and eat them up." Like seriously. That's offensive. Why? First of all, I've noticed that most of the sexual harassment applies to girls. Like seriously, rape isn't something you should just freely joke about, even if it's about a guy. It's offensive to people who've actually been raped. Second of all, rape isn't to be taken lightly. People are KILLED or commit suicide because of it. Third of all, I find that those who laugh at things like "**** her in the *****!" Are very sick. That person wouldn't want that to happen, and anyone with the slightest bit of dignity shouldn't be joking around like this. We can't put an end to rape or sexual harassment, but at least stop joking about it. There's a reason why sexual harassment and rape are illegal.
What are your thoughts on sex crimes themselves?
I think they're a terrible thing. Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively?
No! Absolutely not! Anyone, male or female, should be able to dress how they want and not have to worry about being sexually assaulted. What is consent to you?
Saying yes is consent. Consent is not saying yes after you've said no and the other person, through physical means, manipulation/coercion, fear and/or guilt then makes you say yes. Have you ever experienced sex crimes?
Yes. I myself am a victim of them. How do you think society's portrayal of sex crimes hinders or helps us?
I think in a small way it helps by over dramatizing it and helping to hit home how horrific it all is, but at the same time this dramatization makes it difficult for victims to come forward. Rape, and sexual assault in general, isn't always violent and victims may feel that because they became aroused during the act (which is a purely physical response and had nothing to do with one's emotions in certain situations), aren't broken up and crying, weren't injured, etc. that someone may not believe their story and help them. Do you think the media plays a role in all of this?
To some extent yes. However, if used correctly the media can also help fix the issues. Do you believe men can be a victim of sex crimes too?
Of course they can. Anybody can be a victim of sex crimes. Men can be harassed, assaulted, and raped just like any woman can be.
Have sex crimes affected you or loved ones?
They have affected me. From the time I was 12 until I was 16 my adopted dad/the only father I knew coerced me into have intercourse with him multiple times. He carefully manipulated me, made me feel like I owed him something and even when I said no would push me into saying yes. Do they leave harmful and lasting affects?
Yes they do. For me, the multiple acts that occurred were so terrible I intentionally forgot they'd happened 99% of the time. When I would remember, it'd hit me on the head like a ton of bricks and I'd feel alone because I felt like I couldn't tell anyone. I thought my mom would hate me and that my friends would think I was slut if they found out. Do you think there's a way to stop sex crimes?
Yes there are. If we have more things letting victims of all genders and sexual orientations know that it's not their fault and that there is help out there. If we treat victims like they're victims instead of like it's somehow their fault..I think we can stop more sex crimes before too much damage is done to someone. Any other thoughts?
Nope.
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Arreis999 wrote:
How do you think society's portrayal of sex crimes hinders or helps us?
I think in a small way it helps by over dramatizing it and helping to hit home how horrific it all is, but at the same time this dramatization makes it difficult for victims to come forward. Rape, and sexual assault in general, isn't always violent and victims may feel that because they became aroused during the act (which is a purely physical response and had nothing to do with one's emotions in certain situations), aren't broken up and crying, weren't injured, etc. that someone may not believe their story and help them.
My parents live in Singapore where having a maid is a common thing. Maids come in on a certain visa and are not supposed to have sex or get pregnant during the length of their job. They had a maid who ended up pregnant. When it was found out, she said she had been raped and explained when it had happened. They refused to believe her because on that night, she had gone out to pick up some groceries and had taken awhile to come back. But she had come back and had seemed perfectly fine, going about everything, hadn't been crying or told them about it or unhappy, etc. They then sent her back home.
I wish people realised that not everyone is going to react in a certain way. My sister, brother-in-law and I opposed their actions and told them so but we were not her employers so we had no say in the matter.
Working on getting back into things after a forced hiatus. LTS: Shards at 50k each.
What are your thoughts on sex crimes themselves? They're disgusting and horrible.
Do you believe people 'ask for it' when they dress provocatively? Most definitely not.
What is consent to you? "Yes" unless the person is drunk or other drugs or any other influences; also it has to be mutual and both parties have to be mature and understand
Have you ever experienced sex crimes? No
How do you think society's portrayal of sex crimes hinders or helps us?
Do you think the media plays a role in all of this? Not sure.
Do you believe men can be a victim of sex crimes too? Of course they can. Anyone can.
Have sex crimes affected you or loved ones? No
Do they leave harmful and lasting affects? Definitely
Do you think there's a way to stop sex crimes? Reducing it, yes, but it will never be rid of entirely. There will always be people in this world that will commit such crimes
I'm sorry you had to go through that. 
