MagiStream

I know this is going to sound funny but I am 20 years old been putting in a serious attempt to find a boyfriend. Been talking to boys and passing hints to say "Hey I like you. Maybe we can meet up outside of school or our group of friends and grab a coffee or a movie." and not one guy caught on and never ever took me seriously.

What's wrong with me? Is there something wrong with my body, my personality, or the way I dress? I mean I am a few pounds overweight but I been putting a serious attempt to lose weight like going to the gym and taking Zumba classes and cutting down on all the junk foods I eat like chips and traded those in for rice chips or rice cakes or corn chips since they are not as fatty.

Also about the clothes issue and my personality. I cant help who I am. I am highly Autistic so yes I might have a harder time understanding and grasping the meaning of what is being said sometimes but that's not really my fault. I was born with it and never found out about it until I was 17. Also I like reading and playing video games and thinking outside the box but that also makes me who I am and I don't want to change that. I mean I don't treat anyone bad so why am I getting ignored when I try to put myself out there in the dating world. Also clothes. I like my jeans and baggy shirts. I wear those cute tube tops to the bar but anywhere else I don't see any real situation for wearing them. I mean I am not going to go to class wearing a tube top or go out walking around in a tube top with a baby carriage. Its really not acceptable when setting a example for yourself. So is there any way for me to use what clothes I have that shouts "Hey I am good looking without having to wear all those skin tight and revealing clothes." I mean yeah its nice to have them but there is a time and place for skin tight and revealing clothes. That's what I feel.....So anyone know what's the problem.

My suggestion is: Ask a guy out. Often guys are too scared of asking a girl out in case they're rejected, especially if they're cute/hot, which may be the case here. Or alternatively you're in that middle ground where you aren't really hot so much so that a hot/handsome guy would ask you out, but you're still reasonably attractive.
I doubt that a guy would take offense if you asked him out - he'd probably be relieved that he doesn't have to ask himself.
Maybe the guys you're asking are either too stupid (XD) or not socially knowledgeable enough to know for sure (sort of thing, which ties into what I said earlier) so that they'd be like, "Hmm... Is she saying that she wants to go out with me? But what if she isn't?"
Of course, I'm a bit young myself and don't know much about the dating world. If you're confident enough, just try it.

TheStrangeWeirdo wrote:My suggestion is: Ask a guy out. Often guys are too scared of asking a girl out in case they're rejected, especially if they're cute/hot, which may be the case here. Or alternatively you're in that middle ground where you aren't really hot so much so that a hot/handsome guy would ask you out, but you're still reasonably attractive.
I doubt that a guy would take offense if you asked him out - he'd probably be relieved that he doesn't have to ask himself.
Maybe the guys you're asking are either too stupid (XD) or not socially knowledgeable enough to know for sure (sort of thing, which ties into what I said earlier) so that they'd be like, "Hmm... Is she saying that she wants to go out with me? But what if she isn't?"
Of course, I'm a bit young myself and don't know much about the dating world. If you're confident enough, just try it.

well thanks for the advice. I hope it works and I hope my shyness don't get in the way of me actually asking him out because that would be lame.

I guess I don't understand why you seem to feel like you need to have a boyfriend. You are only twenty and that's still pretty young. In this day and age a lot of adults are waiting until they are older to date or have a relationship. I was in my mid twenties before I had my first boyfriend (I do not count my first marriage because it was arranged, not a choice). Even then there wasn't much of what most folks consider dating. We went placed, ate food, had coffee, etc. The affection part of the relationship cecil later and more gradually, growing from friendship and companionship first.

You might spend some time assessing what you want in a boyfriend and why you want one. Then focus on developing friendships with the men who match your criteria --- common interests, similar schedules, similar life goals, etc.

Having a child isn't always a deal breaker either. I have friends who were moms in their teens who date. You just have to make sure a guy knows that there's a little one involved and that the kid has to take precedence. Above all less, you need to be sure of you. You don't need a man or a relationship to make you whole or of value.

It's not that she feels she needs one, but that she isn't sure why any guys haven't asked her out, and is afraid that she's undesirable. Obviously she is heterosexual and wants a partner, someone she can love. No one wants to be alone - in that respect. I mean, we all have friends and family, but no one wants to be unloved, in that way.

Like TX, I don't understand why you're stressing over it.

If you're wondering why you're never asked out, it could just be because you seem unapproachable or you're not giving off the right "vibes". With the exception of my current partner, I have never been asked out and I'm twenty four. For a large part of that time, I was single or not publicly in a relationship. I've been told that the reason is most likely because I seem unapproachable.

As someone who is autistic, you may be coming against some social problems. Perhaps you do not have enough eye contact or you're not touching people at the right time. Maybe there is something awkward about you and personal space. Maybe you're invading too much or seem too distant. I don't know how much of this affects you; autism affects people differently. You may have had the problems but have overcome them. I do not know. I would suggest talking to a friend, someone who is good in social situations and whom you trust to give you proper, solid advice. Ask them to watch how you interact socially and to help point out any errors you may make. Even if your autism is mild, this may be helpful. Hell, I think it's helpful for people who are not autistic; I've asked my boyfriend to help me out with that and I am no where on the spectrum.

Apart from that, just relax. You don't need a boyfriend. Stop looking and focus on yourself. Better yourself, learn who you are. Challenge your limits, do something new, etc. Meet people, make new contacts, strengthen your relationships. Chances are once you stop focusing on it and just doing things you enjoy and being yourself, you'll find someone.

And definitely ask them out! You don't need to wait to be asked out. Forget hints, go all out. The worst thing that can happen is them saying no and honestly, is that so bad? If you need practice, just ask a random person out. Keep doing it till you gain confidence. Its kind of like a numbers game... if you ask one person, you may get a no. If you ask two, there's still a no. But if you ask out fifty? Chances are there's a yes somewhere in there.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being 20 and single. I have friends and acquaintances who didn't get married until their 30s or even 40s. Most of them have even had children, all perfectly happy and healthy.

I myself am 34 and have only had 2 boyfriends EVER. Both started out as good personal friends, so we decided to take it to the next level. The first one didn't work out, but we remain friends. I'm still in it with the 2nd.

I agree with what Cupcake said- get a third party to help you with your social interactions. You might even visit a relationship therapist and see what they can advise. They may even have classes or help groups for teaching what most of your country considers appropriate social interactions.

There's always sites like eHarmony.com too. I did use it for a while and had a couple of prospects, but in the end, they didn't work out and I'm ok with that. I wasn't going at it hard core. One of the most useful things I found about eHarmony was the personality profile. As long as you answer all the questions honestly- usually go with your first gut instinct- it can be very revealing. Then, they send out periodic emails with information and advice. Often things along the lines of "what you're doing that you don't realize you're doing that is turning them off". You only have to pay if you want to communicate with prospective matches. I remain a member just for those emails because I find them interesting.
I also made both of my boyfriends do the personality profile and see if we matched! The first one- and it should have been a red flag- we very much did not. The second, the stupid site said he couldn't be matched (too introverted, but opinionated, basically) but since we'd gotten past the meet and now we like each other phase that eharmony was tripping over, we match and mesh really well. I also like to close my account and open a new one with a new email address every couple of years just to take the profile again and see where I've stayed the same and where I've changed. It's really enlightening.

I don't have any experience with other such sites, so I can't say yay or nay on any of them.

TNHawke wrote:There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being 20 and single. I have friends and acquaintances who didn't get married until their 30s or even 40s. Most of them have even had children, all perfectly happy and healthy.

I myself am 34 and have only had 2 boyfriends EVER. Both started out as good personal friends, so we decided to take it to the next level. The first one didn't work out, but we remain friends. I'm still in it with the 2nd.

I agree with what Cupcake said- get a third party to help you with your social interactions. You might even visit a relationship therapist and see what they can advise. They may even have classes or help groups for teaching what most of your country considers appropriate social interactions.

There's always sites like eHarmony.com too. I did use it for a while and had a couple of prospects, but in the end, they didn't work out and I'm ok with that. I wasn't going at it hard core. One of the most useful things I found about eHarmony was the personality profile. As long as you answer all the questions honestly- usually go with your first gut instinct- it can be very revealing. Then, they send out periodic emails with information and advice. Often things along the lines of "what you're doing that you don't realize you're doing that is turning them off". You only have to pay if you want to communicate with prospective matches. I remain a member just for those emails because I find them interesting.
I also made both of my boyfriends do the personality profile and see if we matched! The first one- and it should have been a red flag- we very much did not. The second, the stupid site said he couldn't be matched (too introverted, but opinionated, basically) but since we'd gotten past the meet and now we like each other phase that eharmony was tripping over, we match and mesh really well. I also like to close my account and open a new one with a new email address every couple of years just to take the profile again and see where I've stayed the same and where I've changed. It's really enlightening.

I don't have any experience with other such sites, so I can't say yay or nay on any of them.

well problem with most dating sites for me is the credit card issue. I don't own one and I don't want one. I just feel they can be trouble down the road for me because I have a tendency to drop my wallet and not realise its gone until I get to the place where I need it most. And hey if someone sees a wallet on the ground here and know there is a credit card in it and other personal and Important stuff in it they will steal it. The occasions where I did lose it someone was nice enough to bring it to my bank and have them give it back to me. One time I was stopped on the street and told my wallet was found and he brought it to the bank where I was heading. I thanked him and was really happy that he was honest and a kind man to not steal my wallet. after all who wants Identity theft going on in their life especially when your young. I was 18 at the time.

Over all I like the ideas people are putting out and I do know who I am and I am sure of myself. I don't really have the need for a boyfriend but I would really like one. I know I don't need a man in my life but I would like to have someone to cuddle up with and to share pop corn with and to go to coffee with and share emotions on a deeper level. As of what I am doing in my life right now is school and I know you will all jump and say "there are plenty of opportunities there to meet new people and have lots of relationships there." but I am a shy person and I talked to a couple guys before I thought they were attractive but I was struggling to find things to talk about. They laughed at some of the funny stories I told and we enjoyed the conversation but I could never bring myself to ask for their name or their cell number to talk to them further. As of right now I am doing toastmasters which is a speaking group which I feel I have a lot to learn from. I had done 2 speeches now and I am a above average speaker which makes me feel good but I am still shy when I get up and speak but I feel over time this will help me get over my shyness and actually allow me to put myself out there.

Thanks for the advice. I just been wanting to know why I been feeling undesired as a partner but next time I am out on hanging around and there is a guy I am really fond of I am going to talk to one of my friends who will be hanging out with us as well I will ask them if they can help me make the right moves and hopefully it will help. Because I know when I am in a group I really don't say all that much but I do make body ques to make a point and sometimes that just gets missed entirely. Sometimes it takes words instead of body language.

I am 20 years old and I am still single. There are times when I don't like it, but I'm really okay with it at the moment. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, and there isn't anything wrong with you. I've never been on a date and I've never been kissed. I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along or for the right time in my life when I feel comfortable asking a guy out. It'll happen someday, just stay positive ;)

anyu wrote:I am 20 years old and I am still single. There are times when I don't like it, but I'm really okay with it at the moment. It doesn't mean there's anything wrong with me, and there isn't anything wrong with you. I've never been on a date and I've never been kissed. I'm just waiting for the right guy to come along or for the right time in my life when I feel comfortable asking a guy out. It'll happen someday, just stay positive ;)

Thanks I really needed to hear something like this. I mean it takes a lot of guts to stay single. Right now this guy I really like and really want to date never ever had a girlfriend and is still a Virgin. I hold a lot of respect for him to wait that long. He is 18 turning 19 this May coming. I knew him for 2 years and his older brother for 5 years since we went to high school together. I hope I find the guts to ask him out soon because this guy is really nice. He is really sweet just like his older brother and I have a feeling we would be great together. We love a lot of the same things and we even watch "My little ponies Friendship is magic" its really cute and a lot of people are finding it creepy and odd but I think its just cute and makes him different from every other guy that I thought would be different but ended up playing harmful mind games with me then dumped me and slandered me in every way they could. A few of my exs even made it public and posted it on facebook for all their friends to see.

Thanks for the advice. :) feeling better. Now can you encourage me about my math I am like freaking out because this is the first time in a while that I brought home any math homework from college DX.