Need opinions and tips...

Share any written short stories, novels, or poetry

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Phenora
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Re: Need opinions and tips...

Post by Phenora »

Now, since we are on the topic of writing style as well, I might as well offer this: if you want to get a 'taste' of my writing style, maybe if it helps judge things like the new 'arguement', well here it is.

"A Snow Day at the Keep" - a short, short story written for a winter writing contest
Spoiler
Snow covered the ground, making the whole place look like someone had thrown a white blanket down and fluffed it up. Small snowflakes still fell, drifting to the ground around Anya and Convel, Anya's companion and Albino Direwolf. Anya was a mage from the Keep, a water magi, that specialized in the water magiks and charms. Her Albino Direwolf had been her companion since she had found him as an egg years ago. They had been nearly inseparable then, and now they traveled together all the time.

The duo emerged from the Keep and headed out into the cool, crisp winter air, breathing deeply and looking around to watch the Pegasus foals frolicking in snow drifts with a few young Niveus Enox and Arkenian Kitsune hatchlings. A number of magi stood around with other creatures, taking delight in watching the younglings play. Others were simply trying to beat the cold by hugging up to one of their larger and furrier creatures.

Anya laughed as four or five magi huddled around one of their Molten Bone Dragon that had its fiery wings spread out above them, trying to help warm them. She watched as a Fire Gryphon, its magi companion on its back between its blazing wings, made its way into the warm halls of the Keep.

She laughed and walked with Convel out to their usual tree, a shady pine with one side of the branches growing at odd angles that made a good space to sit on the inside. She nestled down between some bottom branches, and put her arm around Convel's neck when he joined her, then she looked out on the field beside the keep, where a major snowball war was going on.

After a while of watching the snowball war, she leaned back against the tree, and closed her eyes. The next thing she knew, snow was falling on her face and head from above. Convel made an odd groaning noise, and shook his head, knocking snow off of him and more onto Anya. Anya laughed, and brushed the snow off of her, then looked up to see a couple of Ice Phoenixes looking down at them. Anya stood, and reached out to the birds. She gently rubbed their heads, then watched them fly off again.

As she was turning around, a ball of wet snow slapped her in the back. She turned to see who threw it, just in time to see a blond head disappear around a large snowdrift. Anya rolled her eyes, and climbed out from beneath the tree, then pulled her wand out. She waved it in a large circle, then motioned upward. A large chunk of snow detached itself from the ground, and floated over to the snowdrift where her attacker was.

"Alright, I give up, who was it?" she called out, a smile playing on her lips. The blond head of one of her fellow water magi popped up. "Oh, so it was you, Turo. I should have known. Try this one on for size!"

The chunk of snow centered itself above his head, then fell with a thud onto him. He fell back, and disappeared behind the snow drift, then popped his head back up. His golden hair was white with snow, and some of the cold powder stuck to his face and his robes. Anya laughed, then walked over and helped him up.

"You want to join us?" he asked, and gestured to the others in the field throwing snowballs at each other. Anya smiled, and nodded. The two headed off down the hill and to the field, Convel following close behind. As they neared the fight, Anya slipped her wand back up, and quickly grabbed several ready made snowballs from a pile, one of several lying around, and started throwing them.

Immediately, snow balls were thrown back at her and Turo. Together, they through as many as they could, dodged, and ducked. They ended up wet and cold, and covered in snow, as did everyone else.

After a few more rounds of the fight, everyone turned and started back toward the Keep. The sun was already low in the sky, and cast a red glow over everything. Turo walked with Anya and Convel all the way back into the Keep, and to her room.

"Well, that was fun," she said, as they reached her door. Convel grabbed her robes and pulled on them. He knocked some snow still stuck to her off on his snout, and backed away sneezing. Anya and Turo laughed, then Anya opened her door and let Convel inside.

After a few more words, Anya and Turo bid each other good night and Turo departed for his room. Anya joined Convel in her room, then walked over to the small stove against one wall, and made herself a cup of hot chocolate, then sat on the bed beside the Direwolf, and stared out the window at the falling snow and setting sun, and drank her cocoa.
"Cirque de La Puer" - i got bored and wrote this one. It might be a better example for what I am trying to show, though
Spoiler
"Welcome one, welcome all! Welcome to the Circus of Fear! The greatest show of freaks here or anywhere! Welcome to, Cirque de La Peur!" the ringmaster calls out as the people pour into the black and red striped tent. "Prepare yourselves for the scariest sights you`ll ever see! The freakiest humans ever seen alive!"
I walk into the tent, and look around. The ringmaster, a pale man with blood colored eyes, a mess of black hair, wearing a black show suit with red stripes and sequins around the collar and pockets, repeated the words as more people enter the tent.
I, like everyone else, saw the posters lining the street and was curious. The posters depicted deformed shadowy figures standing against glum and dim colored back grounds. I couldn`t tell what the figured were supposed to be, man or beast, but the words at the bottom of the posters promised satiated curiosity, so I came.
"The spider boy! A two headed girl! The cyclops man! Twin vampires! The human beast!" he called out once the tent flaps were closed and everyone was seated. "These are a few of the things you shall see tonight!"
My seat was in the front row, center stage. I was one of the first few to show up, since I had nothing better to do. I had the best seat in the place, I thought at first. Then I noticed that most of the front row seats and second row seats were vacant. I shrugged and popped a few pieces of popcorn into my mouth.
"Before we begin and the freaks come out, I must warn you. Some of the sights are truly gruesome. The doors are open if you cannot stand to see these sights, and you may leave if you wish," the ringmaster said. He then picked a long, then black wand up off of the ground, and waved it above his head.
The lights dimmed and two red spot-lights made their way to him on the stage, and gave him an eerie almost scary look.
"I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, Cirque de La Peur!" he said, and backed into the shadows as the show-girl helpers, dressed in red, black, and white and with their faces painted like they were sad and crying tears of blood, walked out carrying a large covered bird cage. They set the cage in the center of the stage, and removed the cover, then stepped away.
A small blond girl blinked out at us. Her eyes were bright, icy blue, and her lips were painted a dark almost black red. She blinked again, then stood up. Her head almost touched the top of the cage. She looked up at the top of it, and gently pushed it. The top fell to the stage floor with a clang. She then proceeded to put one arm through, and pull herself up. She pressed her head against her arm as she came through, then lowered her other shoulder. A low resounding pop was heard.
I winced, and looked away, but quickly looked back, not wanting to miss a thing.
The girl pulled herself through, then straightened her arms out. Nothing seemed to be out of place. She then placed both hands against the cage, and swung her feet back and forth, then leaned slightly to the side, and brought one leg up and out. I winced again, but watched as she pulled her other leg free. She slid off of the cage and bowed, then fell to the floor and stared blankly out at us like a doll.
The show girls came back out, and carried both girl and cage away. The audience clapped, though uneasily. I just stared at the curtain behind where the cage had been sitting.
The ringmaster returned to the stage, said a few words, which I didn`t hear, and left the stage again. Two dark haired girls walked out, and smiled at us. Their smiles were creepy, but mainly because of the fangs they flashed.
After the twin vampires, a few more of the "freaks" were out and did whatever they were supposed to, then retreated back into shadow. The ringmaster emerged once more, a dark smile on his lips.
"Now everyone, the treat of the show! Even though we usually save him for last, this boy has asked we bring him out earlier tonight! Bring your hands together for, The Spider Boy!" he called out, then disappeared again.
The curtains opened once again, and a teenage boy about my age stepped out. His hair was straight to his jaw, and an odd silver color. His eyes were ice-blue. At first, he seemed normal, until the show girls removed the coat from around his shoulders.
The boy shrugged, and crossed his arms. Two hands from different arms waved at us. Another set of hands from different arms slid into his pockets. My eyes were wide, and I was stunned. The boy looked around at us. His expression, though his face was painted to make him look sad, was bored, tired, and almost scared.
He straightened up his arms, all six of them, and then reached up, and ripped off his shirt. He was well built, and slightly muscular. His arms, all of them, were attached to his sides as any normal appendage would be. None of the arms were, in any way, robotic or fake. He flexed his muscles as more proof, then started picking up random objects.
After a few moments of him doing this, he stepped toward the edge of the stage, and knelt down. He held out a hand to me, and beckoned me forward with another. I stared at him, awe-struck, then stood and walked forward. He helped me onto the stage, and took both of my hands in two of his. He put his other hands on my waist. Ball room music suddenly started playing from behind a curtain, and we started dancing. He danced with me, twirled me, threw me into the air and caught me, all part of the show.
The lights started to dim again, and he twirled me out, then spun me back in. I fell back against his bare chest, and he put his arms around me. Together, we bowed to the audience then he escorted me off stage, and sat beside me,
Another person came out, one much less interesting then any other so farm so I turned my attention to the Spider Boy beside of me.
"You`re..." I started, but was unable to speak when he looked at me. He sighed and shook his head.
"Let me guess. Creepy? A freak? Frightening?" his voice was beautiful. It was music to my ears. He turned hi face away from me, and leaned away. "The dancing and me sitting with you is part of the show."
I reached over, and put my hand to his cheek, then grabbed one of his hands. "You`re amazing. Astounding. Handsome," I said. "I don`t care if it`s part of the show."
He looked at me, his eyes were wide, his lips parted. "You don`t think I`m a creep?" he asked quietly. I shook my head, and smiled. "Come on, I`m a human with red eyes. For us, that`s not natural. Well, for most of us," I said as the ringmaster walked back out again.
Spider Boy chuckled. "By the way, my name`s Lucien," he murmured. "Adrastia," I replied. He put one of his left arms around my shoulders, another around my waist, and the third on mine. Our fingers interlocked.
As we returned our eyes to the stage, the two-headed girl walked off stage and another man walked out. The man looked up and revealed one eyed in the center of his face. I looked away quickly. Lucien pulled me against him. The man was on stage for a little while longer doing different things, then left.
The curtain closed again, then a loud growl was heard. I looked back up to the stage as the curtains parted once more. The show girls were standing around another cage, larger, by far, then the bird cage. Inside was a man covered in hair with sharp teeth, and wild looking eyes. The show girls bowed and walked off stage.
It was then things took a turn for the worst. The creature in the cage slammed against the bars. I flinched. Lucien assured me it was part of the show. The beast did it again, and one of the bars fell. Lucien stood, and pulled me with him. A second and third bar fell. Lucien pulled me away from the stage, and toward the tent flap. Everyone else was already making their way out.
We heard another bar fall, then screams. Lucien pulled me around to the back of the tent, and into a large trailer where most of the other people from the show were already.
"Beasty`s out!" he said. The cyclops man hurried out the door, followed by the twin vampires and the contortionist. A few other behind the scene workers were running into the tent.
"Lucien, who is this?" one of the two heads on the two headed girl asked. Lucien sat and pulled me into his lap. "Adrastia. The one I danced with," he replied. I lay back against his chest as the contortionist came back in followed by the twins.
"Clops has him up," the twins sang out, then stopped and looked at me. "Hello."
I looked at them, and managed a small smile. "Hello," I said softly. "Who is she, Lucien?" they sang out, and stood over us looking at me. Lucien swatted them back with one of his hands.
"The only person I have met yet," he started, "who isn`t scared of us."
The girls, all of them, smiled and clapped. Out-side, everythign was being packed up. The ringmaster came in, and lookeda around. "We`re leaving shortly," he said, and looked at me. "Go, if you are not coming with us."
The ringmaster then left us alone, and went to supervise the others. Lucien stood, and walked me out the door. "Go. Go home. You don`t belong here, you belond there," he said. I put my arms around him, and lay my head against his chest. "No. I belong with you," I replied.
He sighed and shook his head. "No, you don`t. You`re not horribly disfigured, or a creep. You don`t belong here," he said. I looked up at him and smiled, then reached up and carefully removed my contacts, then looked into his eyes as the contacts fell to the ground.
"Your eyes, they`re like a snake`s," he said, awestruck. I chuckled, and stuck my tongue out at him. "Oh my gosh! You've got a forked tongue," he breathed.
"I belong with you," I whispered, and we returned to the trailer.
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“And for another, real writing is a question of staring into space and waiting for the right ideas.” Fenoglio, author of Inkheart in Cornelia Funke's Ink Trilogy. Quote from the last book, Inkdeath



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TheStrangeWeirdo
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Re: Need opinions and tips...

Post by TheStrangeWeirdo »

I think you spent a little too long setting the scene. It was cold, we got the idea, you didn't need to put in five examples (a little exaggertion). I'd rather that you cut out a paragraph or two and get straight to the action.

Didn't really read much of the second one, though it seems a bit like the Cirque Du Freak in The Saga of Darren Shan, for some reason.
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Phenora
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Re: Need opinions and tips...

Post by Phenora »

Yeah...if anyone was exagerating about that one, it was you. There weren't five examples, as you call them, as to the cold. In the first paragraph it describes the scene outside, a bit, and about Anya and her Dire before it throws the characters at you and says "here they are! know nothing about them, accept it, and move on!" The second paragraph had two extra details about the cold, which was all it really said about the cold. I strongly suggest if you are going to critisize, not to exagerate.

As for the second one, I told you it was the better of the two examples. I had no deadline nor a set theme to go with. I simply thought of it and wrote it. Others have told me it is like that... series. I have personally hardly even heard of this other series except for what has been said when people commented on "Cirque de La Puer".
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“And for another, real writing is a question of staring into space and waiting for the right ideas.” Fenoglio, author of Inkheart in Cornelia Funke's Ink Trilogy. Quote from the last book, Inkdeath



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