Is this too gory?
Posted: December 31st, 2011, 11:31:13 am
Okay. You get the idea of my question from the topic. I'm trying to write a book, meant for kids, both boys and girls from fifth grade to about Jr.High. The basic story is about a computer program that is trying to enslave humanity, and starts by sucking humans into a world of a computer game. The first spoiler is about a nightmare the main character is having.
Oh, just a foot-not, DON"T COPY MY IDEAS!!!!
Oh, to clarify, Nakka, Sira, and the Great face are evil. Jay is a little kid who stowed away with Josh on his escape from the slave quarters. Demetrius was Jay's closest friend, a big brother figure, who was killed, which bring us around to another subject- is Demetrius's death scene to graphic? Here it is
Oh, just a foot-not, DON"T COPY MY IDEAS!!!!
Spoiler
Jay rose up into the air, writhing and twisting. Incoherent screams of terror issued from his mouth, and his eyes were so wide his pupils and irises were merely miniscule islands in a sea of white terror. The great face hung above him, murmuring ominously in the flickering torchlight. Condor stood straight backed, with an evil grin on his face, the torch light making him look even more demonic than usual. Sira stood in a dark corner, her back to the others. Nakka stared straight at Josh.
“Josh,” he said voice smooth “I have many facets. I will share one with you now. I speak fear…fluently. Would you like to know what your companion is saying?”
Josh could not speak.
“You were wise to abandon him in that forest. To try to save yourself. In my opinion, you should have killed him first chance you got. Oh, nothing gory or what your weakling peers would call immoral. There are so many ways to kill, even in that wilderness you hid in. Strangling, a stilt to the throat, a cut to the correct part of the wrist or ear causes a person such as yourself to bleed to death, a large enough amount of apple seeds, you do know each one contains amygdalin, do you not? Aconite, akar saga, bloodroot, bittersweet nightshade. You do know what that does, don’t you? Nightshade…one of my favorite natural poisons. It looks like a common vegetable, but when ingested it causes brain damage, burning of the throat, hallucination, paralysis, hypothermia vomiting and diarrhea. The victim usually dies of dehydration. They speak such wonderful things in the language of terror before they die. But of course, there’s the strychnine tree, so perfect, yet for one flaw. You see, it gives one intense muscular convulsions, but then it kills after only three hours. Pity, pity. I know, you’re squeamish, but you could have given him yew, at least.”
“He has a family.” Josh finally got his throat to work.
“He had a family, you mean. He’s very far gone now, but still saying such lovely things. Do you want to hear them?”
“No. You can’t kill him, he did nothing!”
“Oh, I insist.” Nakka placed his thin, pale hands on Josh’s ears, and Josh heard Jay’s voice.
Save me, Josh! He’s hurting me! Just let him kill me! I..I see..Demetrius. Thank you Josh. I knew you’d save…me. Why’s it going black…..I under..understand now…goodbye.
Josh felt himself shaking. He tried to run to the small, limp body on the floor, but he was stuck. The more he tried to move the harder it was to breathe. Finally he stopped moving, cowed. It kept getting harder, and harder to draw air into his lungs.
“That was too quick, Honored Great Face. Bring him back.”
The limp body rose from the floor, like a battered marionette. It’s rolled up; dead eyes stared into Josh’s own. It spat blood from his mouth and began to speak.
“I thought you’d let me die in peace.”
It began to move toward Josh, stumbling as its bloody and battered legs gave out underneath it, forcing it to crawl.
“Jay, I’m sorry. I should have told you about Demetrius. I’m sorry I let you be taken. I’ll try to…to make you right again. Trust me.”
“I thought you’d let me die in peace.” It repeated.
Jay disappeared. Josh had a sudden image of a game character shooting the thing.
“That’s more the spirit.”Nakka said “Now, let us show you what the Great Face has prepared for you.”
Sira turned around and wheeled something toward him. It was a dark box. Written across the top were four words- it was for mercy.
“Get in.” a voice ordered. Josh felt himself fall forward. The top slammed shut. He was falling, and the Great Face was laughing.
“Josh,” he said voice smooth “I have many facets. I will share one with you now. I speak fear…fluently. Would you like to know what your companion is saying?”
Josh could not speak.
“You were wise to abandon him in that forest. To try to save yourself. In my opinion, you should have killed him first chance you got. Oh, nothing gory or what your weakling peers would call immoral. There are so many ways to kill, even in that wilderness you hid in. Strangling, a stilt to the throat, a cut to the correct part of the wrist or ear causes a person such as yourself to bleed to death, a large enough amount of apple seeds, you do know each one contains amygdalin, do you not? Aconite, akar saga, bloodroot, bittersweet nightshade. You do know what that does, don’t you? Nightshade…one of my favorite natural poisons. It looks like a common vegetable, but when ingested it causes brain damage, burning of the throat, hallucination, paralysis, hypothermia vomiting and diarrhea. The victim usually dies of dehydration. They speak such wonderful things in the language of terror before they die. But of course, there’s the strychnine tree, so perfect, yet for one flaw. You see, it gives one intense muscular convulsions, but then it kills after only three hours. Pity, pity. I know, you’re squeamish, but you could have given him yew, at least.”
“He has a family.” Josh finally got his throat to work.
“He had a family, you mean. He’s very far gone now, but still saying such lovely things. Do you want to hear them?”
“No. You can’t kill him, he did nothing!”
“Oh, I insist.” Nakka placed his thin, pale hands on Josh’s ears, and Josh heard Jay’s voice.
Save me, Josh! He’s hurting me! Just let him kill me! I..I see..Demetrius. Thank you Josh. I knew you’d save…me. Why’s it going black…..I under..understand now…goodbye.
Josh felt himself shaking. He tried to run to the small, limp body on the floor, but he was stuck. The more he tried to move the harder it was to breathe. Finally he stopped moving, cowed. It kept getting harder, and harder to draw air into his lungs.
“That was too quick, Honored Great Face. Bring him back.”
The limp body rose from the floor, like a battered marionette. It’s rolled up; dead eyes stared into Josh’s own. It spat blood from his mouth and began to speak.
“I thought you’d let me die in peace.”
It began to move toward Josh, stumbling as its bloody and battered legs gave out underneath it, forcing it to crawl.
“Jay, I’m sorry. I should have told you about Demetrius. I’m sorry I let you be taken. I’ll try to…to make you right again. Trust me.”
“I thought you’d let me die in peace.” It repeated.
Jay disappeared. Josh had a sudden image of a game character shooting the thing.
“That’s more the spirit.”Nakka said “Now, let us show you what the Great Face has prepared for you.”
Sira turned around and wheeled something toward him. It was a dark box. Written across the top were four words- it was for mercy.
“Get in.” a voice ordered. Josh felt himself fall forward. The top slammed shut. He was falling, and the Great Face was laughing.
Spoiler
If possible, it was quieter in the halls then it was during the day. There was no occasional crackle from the strange torches on the walls, or muffled foot steps. In fact, it was so silent that you could hear that peculiar high-pitched humming noise that comes when no other noise is available. As Josh snuck after Demetrius, who he assumed snuck after Condor; Josh had to consider why he was doing this. In his mind he had this plan to go and listen in on the conversation between Condor, Nakka, and possibly the Great Face. He needed to find out his fate, and then, escape. That was his entire plan. Where would he get food? Would they look for him? Why was he here? Those questions bombarded him as he walked like a ghost through the halls. He could answer the first question, Condor’s room. Condor probably had food, because Josh hadn’t seen him take the butter from the Cafeteria. And besides, Condor always had what they had little of- comfort, food, luxury, and explanation.
Soon Josh reached the great dome that separated the boy’s side of the building from the girls. And sure enough- the girl with the icy looks, a man with deep scars on his face and a ninja like headband paced in the dome. As Condor entered from the front, both people turned, and Condor knelt before them.
“Well, well” said the man glowering down at Condor “Give your report”
“Deme- the copper haired one- I think he knows what we’re doing” said Condor, still kneeling on the floor.
“What of the dark one?” asked the man who Josh was sure was Nakka from his view in the shadows.
“He begins to lose his clear sight to the other sphere. Soon he will be like the others”
“I think that those who where here longest are beginning to lose fear.” the pale girl said harshly. “They should go.”
“Sira,” Reprimanded Nakka “That is not up to you determine”
“Then,” Said Sira “Let the Great Face decide.”
As she said that the air hummed and a face began to appear. Its eyes were cold and dead, its features menacing. Both Sira and Nakka knelt on the floor. Condor, who had just gotten up crashed down like a bag of bricks and smacked into Nakka, who whacked Condor with his hand. Red lines appeared across Condor’s face where Nakka had hit him. And Josh realized they were deep cuts from Condor’s temple to the corner of Condor’s mouth.
“Sira is Correct.”
The Great Faces voice was pure evil. As he spoke the room tilted wildly.
“You seem almost sorry for them, Nakka.”
“No sir. Never, sir, I care nothing.”
As they talked quietly Josh stained to listen. As the Great Face became angry, the room tilted wildly right, then forward, sending Josh into a row of sinister looking devices. A torch flew from its bracket, burning a hole in a delicate paper screen that separated the dome from the corridor. It crashed onto Josh, and as he swatted out the flames on his pants he could only watch as Demetrius fell from a stack of boxes, flew through the other paper screen and lay stunned on the floor as Sira, Nakka, and Condor turned to stare. The Great Face muttered a word, and Demetrius rose into the air, and with a wail, hit the floor where the Great Face’s feet would have been, and never moved again, the only color in his deathly pale face was a trickle of blood from his mouth that began to pool on the floor...
Josh jumped up and ran, as if he were on fire again. The people in the dome were to busy laughing to hear him sprint down the hall way to room B17. There he encountered Jay.
“Josh…I need to go to the bathroom!”
“Go then!”
“But I- I’m afraid of Condor. Where’s Demetrius? He promised he would take me to the bathroom until I’m big enough to beat Condor up.”
Soon Josh reached the great dome that separated the boy’s side of the building from the girls. And sure enough- the girl with the icy looks, a man with deep scars on his face and a ninja like headband paced in the dome. As Condor entered from the front, both people turned, and Condor knelt before them.
“Well, well” said the man glowering down at Condor “Give your report”
“Deme- the copper haired one- I think he knows what we’re doing” said Condor, still kneeling on the floor.
“What of the dark one?” asked the man who Josh was sure was Nakka from his view in the shadows.
“He begins to lose his clear sight to the other sphere. Soon he will be like the others”
“I think that those who where here longest are beginning to lose fear.” the pale girl said harshly. “They should go.”
“Sira,” Reprimanded Nakka “That is not up to you determine”
“Then,” Said Sira “Let the Great Face decide.”
As she said that the air hummed and a face began to appear. Its eyes were cold and dead, its features menacing. Both Sira and Nakka knelt on the floor. Condor, who had just gotten up crashed down like a bag of bricks and smacked into Nakka, who whacked Condor with his hand. Red lines appeared across Condor’s face where Nakka had hit him. And Josh realized they were deep cuts from Condor’s temple to the corner of Condor’s mouth.
“Sira is Correct.”
The Great Faces voice was pure evil. As he spoke the room tilted wildly.
“You seem almost sorry for them, Nakka.”
“No sir. Never, sir, I care nothing.”
As they talked quietly Josh stained to listen. As the Great Face became angry, the room tilted wildly right, then forward, sending Josh into a row of sinister looking devices. A torch flew from its bracket, burning a hole in a delicate paper screen that separated the dome from the corridor. It crashed onto Josh, and as he swatted out the flames on his pants he could only watch as Demetrius fell from a stack of boxes, flew through the other paper screen and lay stunned on the floor as Sira, Nakka, and Condor turned to stare. The Great Face muttered a word, and Demetrius rose into the air, and with a wail, hit the floor where the Great Face’s feet would have been, and never moved again, the only color in his deathly pale face was a trickle of blood from his mouth that began to pool on the floor...
Josh jumped up and ran, as if he were on fire again. The people in the dome were to busy laughing to hear him sprint down the hall way to room B17. There he encountered Jay.
“Josh…I need to go to the bathroom!”
“Go then!”
“But I- I’m afraid of Condor. Where’s Demetrius? He promised he would take me to the bathroom until I’m big enough to beat Condor up.”
